


full disclosure

by donsdoie



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, Happy ending???, M/M, Please Don't Hate Me, Smut, but with labels, idk man dojae are a mess, past dotae
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:27:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 21,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21693013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donsdoie/pseuds/donsdoie
Summary: Jaehyun wanted company, Doyoung needed to forget. It should have been a simple, uncomplicated set up.But what people don't consider when they fall into an arrangement like this is sometimes, the other person makes it really easy to fall. Head first, all the brakes cut off.And God, was it so easy for Jaehyun to fall for Kim Doyoung.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 75
Kudos: 269





	1. somebody to have

**Author's Note:**

> this isn't my best work but i really wanted to get this off my chest so. hehe.
> 
> unbeta-d.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title taken from:  
> [someone you loved](https://youtu.be/zABLecsR5UE) by lewis capaldi

_Jaehyun_

"Let's break up."

Definitely not the words one would expect to hear from your significant other a few weeks before Christmas. But Jaehyun and Doyoung's relationship has never fallen under the "normal" category anyway.

And Jaehyun is just tired, bone-deep.

"Okay," is all Jaehyun says to Doyoung with a nonchalance that surprises even him. "Do you want me to leave first?" he adds as an afterthought.

"Jae-"

"Guess I'll leave first. Have a nice life, Doyoung."

The sound of snow crunching beneath his boots is all that Jaehyun hears as he walks away from both the best and worst thing that has ever happened to him. It was the first snow of the year and Jaehyun wanted so hard to believe that when Doyoung asked to meet up earlier that night, it was so they can watch the white cover the rest of the restless city, as the day bleeds into nightfall, together. Just that.

He doesn't hear Doyoung run or even shout after him, not that he's expecting him to. But the silence still pierces through his heart like no other.

Jaehyun doesn't look back.

🌙

Jaehyun meets (sort of, not really) Doyoung one regular fall evening. He doesn't know it yet but the cute raven-haired boy who he will later realize is also in his Creative Writing class, even despite the tear-tracked cheeks and mussed up hair, will one day cause a storm to befall upon his perfectly peaceful life.

That night was mostly a blur to Jaehyun, bright colorful lights and alcohol thrumming in his veins.

What he does recall, he wishes he doesn't.

It isn't his intention to listen in or witness what appears to be the breakup of the year. He just happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, that's all.

"What do you mean we are not working out anymore, Taeyong? Do you even fucking hear how selfish you sound right now?" The beautiful boy shouts angrily at the other who is currently trying to placate him. They are in a public space, after all.

"Lower down your voice, Doie-"

"Don't," Doie - apparently the beautiful boy's nickname - whispers defeatedly, "Don't fucking call me that. You don't get to call me that anymore, Lee Taeyong."

To his credit, the other guy (Lee Taeyong?) looks about as broken as the Doie boy. Defeated. Like there is no hope left in his eyes anymore. Maybe that's why this is even happening in the first place, Jaehyun surmises.

Doie slumps down on the brick wall, head in between his arms that are resting on his knees. Jaehyun doesn't need to be up close to know that there are tears in the boy's eyes too.

The silence that follows is one that Jaehyun will continue to think about in the days that follow, ringing and permeating beyond the already sullen evening. In hindsight, that stretch of silence is when he should have taken his leave and left the arguing couple alone.

(Maybe if he did that, future Jaehyun won't be hurting as well.)

But then he hears the broken voice of the boy speak up again and it makes Jaehyun halt in his retreating steps, "Is it me? Are you tired of me? Am I not enough anymore?"

Nobody deserves to think they aren't good enough for anyone. Jaehyun wants to speak up from his dark corner, the cigarette in his hand slowly consumed by its embers, and tell him just that. He wants the boy to stop hurting. 

"Doyoung-ah, would it be cliché of me to say that it's not you but me?" Taeyong chuckles dryly before joining the boy on the cold, wet pavement. Jaehyun sees Taeyong look at Doyoung with familiarity and fondness. Just, maybe, no more love. A different kind of love. "Doyoung, you're perfect. We just want drastically different things now."

They could have been the picture-perfect couple, relationship goals and all that, Jaehyun can imagine. He thinks this as he looks at Taeyong shuffle and kneel in front of Doyoung, hands cupping his jaw and kisses him on the forehead. A goodbye kiss, the scene too intimate. Jaehyun glances away for a moment. He really should not be here.

The kiss only lasts for a couple of seconds before Taeyong ultimately stands up, offering an arm towards Doyoung who is still on the floor, leaning against the wall. The gesture makes the beautiful boy scoff, the fire and stubbornness in his demeanor returning (two things Jaehyun will come to be very familiar with in the near future). He gets up without accepting the outstretched hand and dusts himself off. 

Doyoung steps back and eyes Taeyong's form warily, "I'm telling everyone you're bad in bed and that your blowjobs are sloppy."

Jaehyun almost laughs out loud at the comment before remembering that he isn't even supposed to be there and that none of the broken up pair know that he's there in the first place, let alone laugh at something the one who was just broken up with is saying.

"I'm really sorry, Doyoung-ah," Taeyong blurts out. When he doesn't hear Doyoung reply, he nods to himself and walks back to the establishment beside the dark alley, where the three of them came from before shit went down.

Not a moment later, the boy's knees give way, slumping back to the ground, gut-wrenching sobs shaking his entire being. He stays like that for a whole eternity, a minute, a second.

Doyoung whispers to no one in particular, "No you are not," voice gone hoarse, breathing a conscious task, "You're not fucking sorry, Lee Taeyong."

Jaehyun remembers that it hurt, watching Doyoung hurt.

🌙

It's amazing how much of the people around us we don't really know about, or how much the people around us think they know about us. Because Jaehyun is having a difficult time wrapping his mind around the fact that the Doyoung under the blinking night lights of the club, dancing and swaying on the dirty dance floor, grin blurry and eyes hazy, is the same Doyoung who got his heart broken and stepped on, who cried in a dirty alley, allowing the darkness to swallow his curses, three days ago.

"I heard he's taken," Sicheng, his best friend and the root of almost all of Jaehyun's headaches, declares from beside him. They are sitting in one of the booths near the center of the club, a prime location that they were lucky enough to have secured.

Jaehyun tries to cop his way out of this one, "Who?"

"The pretty boy you can't seem to take your eyes off of," Sicheng's smile is all-knowing. Dickhead.

He shrugs, deciding there's no use lying to someone who has known you since you were both in your mothers' wombs, "I know for a fact he isn't."

This causes the smaller guy to raise one brow, "Do you, now?"

"Yes. So, if you'll excuse me, there is someone I still have to _accidentally_ bump into."

Parting the sea of sweaty, intoxicated bodies is no easy feat for most people. But for Jaehyun, a wallflower for most of his life, it's as easy as waking up at six on the dot.

Jaehyun doesn't enjoy prying into other people's business which is why he isn't sure why he makes his way over to a clearly out-of-his-mind Doyoung, _accidentally_ bump into him and offer to buy the boy a drink as a way of making it up to him.

"You think you're real slick, huh," Doyoung smirks, eyeing him up and down. Jaehyun feels his gaze burning into his insides. Maybe this isn't a good idea.

"I don't know what you mean," he replies shyly, playing the part of an innocent bystander perfectly, like he didn't witness Doyoung's life fall apart mere days ago.

Something in Doyoung's eyes flash for a split-second before resolution forms, and then he's dragging Jaehyun by the bicep to the opposite direction of the bar, out back to a more secluded part of the place. Somewhere the pulsing music sounds muffled and the partygoers barely pass by.

All the air in Jaehyun's body gets sucked out when he's pushed to the wall, Doyoung following soon with his lips on his. It doesn't take long for Jaehyun to come back to his senses, kissing right back and turning the tables, flipping them over so that it's Doyoung who's backed to the wall.

"Fuck," Doyoung whimpers a few minutes later, when Jaehyun moves on from his lips to licking against his neck and exposed collarbones, tasting sweat and lime. It drives Jaehyun nuts.

Before he knows it, he's embarrassingly hard. However, as soon as he grinds on Doyoung, the embarrassment morphs into satisfaction, knowing the other is as hard as him. He likes entertaining the idea that he has such an effect on the boy in front of him.

"Do you have a name?" Doyoung speaks up, breaking the minutes of just breathless pants and moans leaving his mouth.

"Jaehyun. Jung Jaehyun."

"Kim Doyoung."

"I know."

He doesn't know if he should be relieved or concerned that Doyoung doesn't bother questioning that, merely pulling him even closer for another gut-tightening kiss.

The uber ride to his place is a punishment.

How can it not be one when Doyoung won't stop playing with the rip on his jeans, the one by his thighs, beside his crotch area. He definitely knows what he's doing. Slender fingers tracing along the seam, inserting all the way in then shying away when Jaehyun moves to grab onto him.

Like he said, a punishment.

The vehicle comes to a halt in front of his building and in the blink of an eye, he has shoved a couple of bills to the driver, thanks him (for putting up with the sexual tension, maybe) and all but drags Doyoung to the entrance of his apartment.

Jaehyun has never been a fan of PDA and anything remotely close to voyeurism, but if the gorgeous man he's taking home with him wants to makeout in the elevator, who is he to say no?

"You're so fucking hot," horny or sad, Doyoung seems to have a thing for using expletives to express himself. He feels the same wandering hand from earlier cup his cock through his tight jeans, the pressure a pleasant surprise. "Fuck, you're big too, aren't you?"

He is most definitely going to hell tonight.

The frenzied walk from the elevator, down the hallway, through Jaehyun's front door and into his messy bedroom is but a rough memory of lips on lips, on jaws, on necks and on earlobes.

Jaehyun is now sprawled out on top of his bed, body bare of absolutely everything, his eyes focused on Doyoung who is shimmying out of his pants slowly, deliberately putting on a show. Jaehyun is thankful he has front row tickets.

When Doyoung has removed every piece of clothing from his body, he crawls towards Jaehyun who has both arms crossed above his head, smug. He knows he looks good, making his body go through every type of muscle pain for the outcome to be what it is today. He sees Doyoung's stare dawdle a tad bit too long on his stomach, taught and defined, and he feels even more smug.

"You can touch it, if you want," Jashyun voices out his thoughts, wanting and needing for Doyoung to do it without having to beg for it himself.

"Don't mind if I do," is the last thing Doyoung says before he swoops down towards Jaehyun's body, licking from the middle of his pecs, passing his abs and down towards his cock. He doesn't even pause, grabbing onto Jaehyun's leaking dick and swallows the thing whole.

Jaehyun can't help but buck up. He feels the tip go down Doyoung's throat, feels it tighten as Doyoung adjusts to accommodate Jaehyun further. Doyoung gives head like a fucking pro and Jaehyun is sure he's going to compare everyone else's that will come after to this moment, right here.

"Stop, I don't want to cum before I even have my dick up your ass."

This makes Doyoung look up at him curiously, mouth still sucking his cock like his life depended on it. He lets Jaehyun's length slide down and out his tight mouth and tilts his head to the side, regarding Jaehyun with calculating eyes, "You want me to bottom?"

Right. He should have asked first before assuming things.

"If you want to. If not, I'm more than fine bottoming," he tries to come off as apathetic, a complete contrast to the anxiety surging through him, convincing him that he has fucked things up.

Doyoung doesn't say anything for a while, but when he does, it's to ask, "Where's your lube?"

Thanking his lucky stars and promising whatever gods there are that he'll burn incense the next time he goes to church or a temple for not fucking things up, he reaches out to his side table and opens the first drawer, picking up an unopened box of condoms and a half empty bottle of lube.

Unsure of how to proceed, he merely hands over the items to Doyoung and waits for the boy to make his move. There's a small smile on Doyoung's pretty face as he uncaps the lube and squirts a generous amount on Jaehyun's right hand. He looks back at Jaehyun through hooded eyes before moving Jaehyun's lube-coated hand towards Doyoung's hole. And that is all the confirmation Jaehyun needs.

He feels around for the opening, and once he finds it, he inserts one thick finger in. Loving the way Doyoung moans from above him, hips stuttering in search of friction. He doesn't tease, doesn't play around. He has but one goal in mind and that's to prep the boy properly so he can also fuck him properly afterwards.

A switch in positions, three fingers in, and a condom on his cock later, Doyoung nudges him closer with his legs wrapped around his waist and chokes out, "Fuck me, Jung Jaehyun."

And Jaehyun does, hard and rough on the first thrust in. It makes them groan in unison.

"So fucking tight," he breathes out, kissing Doyoung roughly before he sets a pace that'll guarantee them orgasming fast. He really can't afford to prolong it, not when Doyoung feels so warm and tight around him.

Jaehyun fumbles for Doyoung's left leg, hooks it farther up his back and moves around a bit, looking for his prostate. He knows he brushes upon it when Doyoung squeals, and doesn't stop chanting his name along with screams of, "There, there. Right fucking there, Jaehyun. Don't stop, fuck."

It doesn't take long before they're both coming. Jaehyun sees stars.

_"Shit, shit shit Jaehyun-"_

He fucks Doyoung through their orgasm, milking them until it hurts from overstimulation. He pulls out, removes the condom and discards it in the trash can he keeps beside his bed.

Flopping down next to the unmoving Doyoung, he braves a glance in his direction. Like this, sweaty and coming down from a high, Jaehyun thinks Doyoung is even more beautiful.

Not knowing what to do or say next, he waits for Doyoung to say something.

"I should get going. Thanks for the fun time."

Well, that's one way to put it.

"Sure. I had fun, too," and since Jaehyun's parents have raised him to be a gentleman, "Do you want me to book you an uber?"

Doyoung, after seeming to gather his wits, looks back at him. Moving closer to kiss him lightly, the boy lingers on Jaehyun's lips, "Yeah, that would be great. Thanks."

As Doyoung waves from the backseat of his ride home, Jaehyun had been so sure that that would be the last time they'll see each other.

The world, however, has different plans for them.

☀️

The third time Jaehyun encounters Doyoung, the sun's high above the clear, blue skies and there's coffee dripping down his shirt.

"Shit, I'm so sorry. I wasn't looking," Doyoung frantically searches in his bag for something. Tissue, probably.

Jaehyun should be worried that he won't be able to take out the stain from his favorite shirt, instead, his mind is occupied with the thought that Doyoung in broad daylight is a whole new level of ethereal.

"It's alright," he says, voice low. A flicker of recognition flashes through Doyoung's eyes and he halts from his search, looking at him finally for confirmation.

"It's you," Doyoung's tone not betraying what's going on inside his head.

Quirking an eyebrow, he smiles at Doyoung, dimples and all, "Indeed."

He sees the exact second Doyoung's resolve crumbles, "Let me take the stain out for you. I can do it in the café restroom, right here."

There's something else there, a message within a message and Jaehyun gladly takes the bait, "Sure, lead the way."

Doyoung fucks his mouth, and in turn, he gives Jaehyun a handjob that could not have lasted for more than 2 minutes because he’s been too worked up ever since he saw the boy, two faucets running behind them to drown out the noise they're making.

They clean up after themselves, Jaehyun handing Doyoung his shirt and watches as Doyoung does his magic. His hands, apparently, weren't just made to circle around Jaehyun's cock.

"Here you go. See you around?"

What if they don't see each other again, by coincidence? Jaehyun decides that it's not a risk he wants to take, so he asks for Doyoung's number and then bids him goodbye. For now.

☀️

Creative Writing is an elective Jaehyun, at the beginning of the semester, had been so certain is going to be a class he's going to breeze through, forgotten the moment he turns in his final exam and course requirements.

Life once again proves that it moves in mysterious ways because it's now the one class that he looks forward to attending every Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays.

When Jaehyun enters a classroom, he does his best not to look around or make eye contact but the one time he chooses to do something different is the same day he sees _him_ again. Sharp eyes, high cheekbones and a scar by the right corner of his mouth. _Doyoung._

Deciding to play life's game, he makes his way over to where the boy is seated, third row, right beside the window overlooking the parking lot outside. Doyoung had been on his phone but looks up immediately once he feels someone occupy the chair to his right.

Bashful, Jaehyun greets him, "Hi. Can I sit here?"

The look Doyoung gives him is unimpressed but the smile begging to be let out says otherwise, "It's not like I have a choice, seeing as you're already sitting there."

Jaehyun at that time, still unused to Doyoung's sense of humor and snark, is already so close to getting up and going back to his usual seat when Doyoung gives him mercy, "It's a joke. I make jokes, too." The laugh after is melodic. Jaehyun wants to hear more of it in the future.

Just then, the door to their classroom opens and their professor flies in, mumbling something about disrespectful freshmen who don't watch where they are going. Doyoung shifts his attention away from Jaehyun to focus on the middle aged woman. Jaehyun moves to do the same.

Halfway through the lecture that they both had been engrossed in (Doyoung more than him), Jaehyun hears Doyoung ask out of nowhere, "Why haven’t you texted me yet? You asked for my number, why aren’t you doing something about it?"

He looks over and sees that Doyoung is still facing the board, diligently making notes. It's only been a day and a half since their encounter at the campus café and in that time, Jaehyun has not had a spare second to think about Doyoung's number saved under ' _cute boy_ ' on his phone, what with the two essays he had to finish and submit before midnight and a hectic shift at his part-time job.

"Let me make it up to you. Come over after class, if you don't have anything else going on?" Jaehyun has absolutely no idea where all this courage and straightforwardness is coming from. He embraces it anyway.

That makes Doyoung turn slightly in his seat, one side of his mouth quirking upwards as if what Jaehyun said is something hilarious and not something that should be reserved for a confessional. Jaehyun squirms under his gaze and is once again very close to raising his hand and ask to be excused.

"I still have two more classes after this."

Okay, then.

"But I can come over after dinner? Around 8?"

Even better.

They don't talk for the rest of the class, going about their own business, Jaehyun daydreaming with Doyoung religiously taking down notes in the seat next to him.

Jaehyun, in his giddy high hopes, does not notice the inner debate the other seems to be having.

**To: cute boy**

[13:32] see you later. do you still remember my address?

[13:40] this is jaehyun btw :)

**From: cute boy**

[13:45] How could I forget?

🌙

Jaehyun has stopped counting the number of times he and Doyoung have fallen into each other's arms and beds. If not for the class they have together, they wouldn't really be able to see each other during the day because when they do meet up, it's usually after the sky loses color, making way for the dark of the night. They try to avoid staying over after sex, this being the most basic rule of a casual, albeit regular, hookup.

The first night Doyoung does stay over, though, Jaehyun feels him cry beside him. Silent but crying, nonetheless.

"Hey," Jaehyun tries.

Doyoung stills, back still turned towards him, "Sorry, didn't mean to wake you up. I can leave now, if you want."

But Jaehyun knows that that's the last thing he wants right now. He shifts to his side and gently puts an arm around Doyoung's waist, pulling him closer, his chest flush against Doyoung's broad back, "Stay."

"Are you sure?" Doyoung asks, small and unsure of himself and everything around him. It prompts Jaehyun to answer with,

"Of course."

They don't talk about it the next morning, when they're eating the bacon and eggs Jaehyun cooked, and drinking the coffee Doyoung brewed.

⚡

Jaehyun has had his fair share of hookups. Sex had been a regular part of his life even before Doyoung, and he can very much find it somewhere else, from someone who isn't carrying so much emotional baggage with them. Someone who isn't a ghost or a shell of the person they used to be.

So what is it about Kim Doyoung that has Jaehyun so hooked? That has him so intrigued and enamored?

He'd very much want the answers to these questions. Maybe then his mind would stop running a mile a minute when he's supposed to be dead to the world.

🌆

Two weeks later is when Jaehyun finally meets the past, the sun just barely out. It's five thirty in the morning and they decide to go out for breakfast, after a busy night of netflix and sex, neither of them sleeping a wink.

Walking past the park, they encounter a lot of elderly couples brisk walking and the occasional college students out for a jog. They don't hold hands, shoulders brushing every other step.

"Doyoung?" they hear from across the road, just by the central pavilion. It's a voice they both know too well; Doyoung, having spent six years of his life with it as the soundtrack, and Jaehyun, after hearing it by accident the night he first saw Doyoung.

The hoodie Doyoung is wearing appears to engulf him further, and Jaehyun belatedly realizes that it's _his_ hoodie on Doyoung's shivering torso.

From his peripheral, he sees the other boy physically brace himself before replying, "Hi, Taeyong."

Taeyong, after crossing the road, stands in front of them, beaming hesitantly. Doe eyes flitting back and forth between the two of them before settling on Doyoung, "How are you?"

"I'm good," is Doyoung's curt response. Jaehyun remains silent, giving Doyoung the choice to introduce him or not. But it's like Doyoung has all but forgotten about his existence. It shouldn't bother Jaehyun. It really shouldn't.

Still hesitant, Taeyong looks at Jaehyun, "And this is?"

That seems to remind Doyoung of Jaehyun who is standing beside him, "Oh, uhm. This is Jaehyun. He's a… He's Jaehyun."

The whole situation is so awkward and Jaehyun just wants to get his pancakes, go back home and sleep until midday. He and Taeyong wait for Doyoung to continue. But the boy has stopped functioning altogether, frozen, so it's Taeyong who saves the air.

"I'm Taeyong. Doie and I go way back," Taeyong has an angelic smile that would have taken anyone's breath away, a smile that he flashes Jaehyun with, yet Jaehyun can’t focus on anything but the way Doyoung's hands fist after hearing his ex call him by his old nickname. Jaehyun doesn't know what takes over him but he grabs Doyoung's hand closest to him and interlaces their fingers together, Doyoung's grip hard and vice-like.

When he looks back up at Taeyong, the smile is already wiped off his face, a confused and apprehensive expression can be seen instead. Somehow, that feels like a win for him. A win for Doyoung.

" _Doyoungie_ and I should get going. It was really nice to meet you, though. Have a good day now."

Their breakfast is consumed in silence: brooding for Doyoung and contemplative for Jaehyun.

Doyoung doesn't hit him up for the next two days.

🌙

Panting like he just ran a marathon, head on Jaehyun's chest while the younger draws lazy patterns on his back is when Doyoung opens up to him. It's been five days since their early morning encounter with the unspeakable.

"He's my ex," Doyoung starts, "Lee Taeyong. We were together for four years, been best friends for six. He's my first love."

Jaehyun does not halt his movement on Doyoung's back, continuing to trace and write words. If he confesses, will the older boy still want to see him after?

He decides that having a clean conscience with the possibility of losing Doyoung now is better than lying today and having whatever he has with Doyoung pulled from beneath their feet in the long run, when he's invested more time. Invested more of his _everything._

"I was there, you know."

Doyoung freezes in his arms, "You were what?" 

It's all or nothing. He's come this far anyway, "That night, in the alleyway. When he broke up with you. I'm sorry, Doyoungie."

"Excuse me?" Doyoung pulls away from him and sits up, rumpling the blanket to cover his exposed crotch and legs. Even with a clear view of his face, Jaehyun can't discern what Doyoung's thinking in this moment.

Sitting up as well, he exhales, "It wasn't deliberate! I was there first, to smoke." And it was the truth, he had been there before Doyoung and Taeyong. But he still chose to stay and continue to make his presence unknown, "I swear when I met you the night at the club, the first time, it's not because I stalked you or something."

 _I didn't go after you or fuck you out of pity,_ he wants to add. He hopes Doyoung at least understands where he's coming from, has read between the lines.

More silence follows his confession, Doyoung's unreadable gaze never leaving his. He can look all he wants, Jaehyun has nothing to hide anymore. The crawling in his skin from all the scrutiny has almost reached a breaking point when Doyoung's stare softens and he shrugs, "Creepy but it's whatever. At least you told me."

Jaehyun could just happy dance right now. On a more serious note, "Still, I'm sorry."

The head tilt has become a familiar sight for Jaehyun to see these days. Doyoung regards him for another minute, before he scoots back into Jaehyun's open arms and asks quietly, "For what now?"

Jaehyun isn't entirely too sure, "I don't know."

"Then don't apologize for something you don't know. Something that isn't even your fault," Doyoung sighs.

"Okay."

The entire conversation is dangerous, uncharted waters. It's unfamiliar. Jaehyun just wants to go back to something he knows is safe. He thanks Doyoung secretly for breaking the tension with a, "Now are you going to suck me off or what?"

Sex. Sex is safe. Yet something still sits unwell with Jaehyun. It resides deep in his stomach, the feeling. He decides to deflect, to ask for a bit more time to process it. So he goes for the next best thing, "Let's get breakfast first, I'm starving." He isn't.

"It's 2 AM."

"Your point?"

"Nothing, let's go."

🌙

"I'm still not over him, just so you know," Doyoung declares at random, a month later. They were sitting in the middle of Doyoung's living room, the perks of living alone. Not worrying about anyone walking in on them naked, in compromising positions. Or in animal onesies while they watch Meet the Robinsons at nine in the evening.

"Okay?" Jaehyun trails off because he isn't sure where Doyoung is going with this.

"I'm just saying. So we're on the same page," Doyoung doesn't take his focus off the television screen, but Jaehyun knows his full attention is on the conversation.

"I knew this was a casual hookup from the very start, hyungie. I wasn't born yesterday," Jaehyun scoffs because it's a very Doyoung thing to do to assume Jaehyun is innocent and ignorant about these things. Remind him to show Doyoung using his tongue later just how much he isn't, in fact, innocent and ignorant about these things.

"Good."

"We're friends with benefits? Is that what you want us to be?" Jaehyun prods further, trying to find the damn page Kim Doyoung is on.

Doyoung blanches at the term, "No, I don't do FWBs. That's too childish for me."

Now utterly confused, Jaehyun sits up, facing Doyoung properly. The older boy sighs before he turns to face Jaehyun too. Jaehyun runs a hand through his hair, the hood of his cat-dog onesie falling off his head, "Then what do you want? From me? From this?"

People who get their hearts broken often make crazy and illogical decisions. They only think about themselves and mending what needs to be mended. Sometimes, that desire to heal and self-preserve causes them to make selfish choices,

"We're exclusive. I'm just not over my ex, is all. Is that okay with you, Jaehyunnie?"

But people who have never fallen in love, who have never felt what it's like to have their hearts stepped on, also often make crazy and illogical decisions. They only think about wanting to experience it all, wanting to feel something for someone. And most times, that curiosity and want for company causes them to make choices that will definitely come back to bite them in the ass one day,

"Yes, hyung.”

The way Doyoung looks at him holds so much meaning that Jaehyun isn’t too sure he wants to unload. He decides to ease the restlessness that’s starting to creep up behind him with humor, “I mean, you’re great in bed. So..."

Doyoung playfully slaps him at the back of his head, their laughter ringing throughout the cozy atmosphere. And so they drop the topic, just like that, turning back to face the screen once more, with Doyoung pausing for a bit before deciding to lean his head on Jaehyun's shoulder, the bunny ears from his hood tickling Jaehyun's cheeks.

Jaehyun lets him.

For now, Jaehyun thinks he can be okay with just this.

⚡

How do you know you’re making a big mistake? One possible option is to ask someone who really knows the unfiltered you, your weaknesses, the way your mind works. Someone who gives it to you the way it is.

Jaehyun confides in Sicheng.

“So you’re boyfriends?” The boy clarifies with furrowed eyebrows, after Jaehyun catches him up on last night’s conversation with Doyoung, like he’s trying to determine if Jaehyun is just acting stupid or if he’s actually stupid.

“No. Yes. Not really. Maybe.” The more Jaehyun opens his mouth, the deeper the lines on his best friend’s forehead appear, “Okay, fine. I don’t know.”

A bewildered Sicheng lays it down for him, “You mean to say, you just agreed to whatever he’s willing to give you? Even if it ends up getting you hurt in the end?”

Well, when one puts it that way.

Pride bruised, Jaehyun rebuts feebly, “I’m not gonna get hurt.”

“You don’t know that,” Sicheng snaps. Maybe Jaehyun shouldn’t have opened up to him in the first place.

“I don’t even like him that way,” is his final counter-argument. He sees Sicheng open his mouth for another attack and so Jaehyun rushes out, “Forget I said anything. I’ll just deal with this on my own.”

This makes Sicheng purse his lips. Backing down for now, his best friend sighs, “I don’t want you to get hurt, Jae.”

Why is it so hard to listen to reason?

⚡

Jaehyun wanted company, Doyoung needed to forget. It should have been a simple, uncomplicated set up. And it continued to be, in the months that follow.

But what people don't consider when they fall into an arrangement like this is sometimes, the other person makes it really easy to fall. Head first, all the brakes cut off.

And God, was it so easy for Jaehyun to fall for Kim Doyoung.

🌙

Half a year from the night they met and they have fallen into a new routine. A new norm.

Doyoung's company is wonderful, even outside bedroom (or shower, living room, kitchen, every free surface in both their apartments actually) activities. They still rarely meet outside when the sun's up, especially since they don't share a class anymore. This new semester's schedule prevents them from doing so which works out just fine because they prefer staying indoors anyway, indulging themselves in each other as the night befalls their side of the world.

"Jaehyunnie," Doyoung calls out at midnight, in between mouthfuls of vanilla ice cream and gulps of cheap vodka. They are halfway through the seventh season of How I Met Your Mother.

"What is it?"

"Will you sing for me?"

Music is something Jaehyun has loved growing up, coming from a family of musicians. He even considers it to be his first love, the only thing that ever made his heart race, made him feel both at ease and full of butterflies. He has never sang for anyone, never sang outside the shower and the sanctity of his bedroom. But he thinks he can make an exception for Doyoung who's looking up with a shy smile from where his head is resting on Jaehyun's lap.

He doesn't pause the show, Barney Stinson trying to get out of wearing the ducky tie in the background, as he opens his mouth and sings anything and everything. Doyoung closes his eyes and smiles wider, contented, like he has discovered the universe's secrets. Jaehyun wants in on all of them.

They fall asleep on the couch, Doyoung in Jaehyun's arms. Like two puzzle pieces from two different sets.

He wakes up in the middle of the night to Doyoung's quiet whimpers.

"Taeyong, please," Jaehyun hears coming from the person beside him.

In the moonlight, he wipes away the tears falling from Doyoung's unconscious state. He goes back to sleep like that, lips making a home on Doyoung's hair.

Jaehyun's last thought before he drifts back to slumber is that he is almost sure music isn't the only thing he's come to love in this lifetime.

🌙

Doyoung doesn't need saving, Jaehyun acknowledges that. He's never wanted to fix what isn't broken. But maybe it's the other way around.

There they were again tonight: slender fingers up Jaehyun’s ass, reducing him into a mess, writhing under Doyoung and panting curses and prayers and Doyoung's name on repeat.

To Jaehyun, this is salvation.

The evening had started off as usual: a knock on the door followed by lots and lots of kisses, takeout for dinner, playful banter as they washed the dishes together, watching another season of whatever show they decided to binge before they got bored, moving onto more interesting matters.

That's how they find themselves on Jaehyun's living room mattress, his hands fisting Doyoung's hair as Doyoung breaks him open with such precision.

"Come for me, baby," Doyoung slurs into his ear, breathing Jaehyun's scent in.

"No- Fuck, I don't- Ahh- I want to come with your cock in me- Doyoung, shit." Everything is both familiar and new to him. It's always like that with the older boy.

Outside of sex, Doyoung never lets Jaehyun boss him around but now, when he's looking vulnerable and an utter _wreck_ from Doyoung's minstrations, he knows he has Doyoung wrapped around his pinky. He feels empty as Doyoung pulls his fingers out, reaching towards the couch where the almost empty bottle of lube and condoms were discarded earlier. They've been having sex a lot lately.

Jaehyun has no idea what comes over his mind for him to wrap an arm around Doyoung, preventing him from successfully rolling a condom onto his pulsing dick, and say, "Fuck me bare."

The boy stares and stares and stares, Jaehyun stares right back at him. And then there are lips on his, a tongue shoved down his throat and a leaking cock prodding at his entrance. Doyoung bottoms out and it's heaven on earth. The pace he sets is brutal, Jaehyun can feel it all the way to his core.

"I love it when you fuck me, but shit, we should do this more often because you're so fucking tight, Jae. It's like every time I fuck in, you swallow me right up." Doyoung's words plus the obscene sounds of wet skin on skin is Jaehyun's undoing. He cums all over his stomach and the mattress, dick untouched for the most part.

Doyoung continues from above him, doesn't stop and won't stop until Jaehyun's hard again and his prostate is hit dead-on. In no time, Jaehyun is coming for a second time, Doyoung following soon after with incoherent strings of _holy shit, Jae._

Sliding out and lying back down, Doyoung turns away from him but shuffles closer to Jaehyun's body heat. Jaehyun has learned that this small movement means the boy wants to be held. Whether he tops or bottoms, Doyoung is still usually the little spoon.

It works out for the both of them because these days, Jaehyun feels incomplete, like there is a gaping hole in his soul, if he doesn't feel the weight of Doyoung in his arms or chest.

At the back of his mind, Jaehyun understands what this might entail.

He keeps it locked away, not wanting to ruin the present.

⚡

"Are you still seeing that Doyoung boy?" Sicheng attempts to breach the topic after a game of Mario Kart ends, marking another win for Jaehyun.

"Yeah," he shrugs. Because what else is there to say or do?

Sicheng regards him with a long look, the one Jaehyun is sure prerequisites a truth that he may or may not want to hear.

"I heard his ex is making attempts to reach out to him." How Sicheng knows this, if this is even a truth after all, is beyond his comprehension. It still stings. Kinda.

"Doyoung wouldn't cheat on me." Is this to convince his best friend or himself?

"Maybe.”

Jaehyun is naive to think the boy is really going to end the topic with that. Just when he’s starting to lower his guard and get comfortable again, Sicheng speaks up once more,

“But he can break up with you for someone he's still in love with."

At that, Sicheng picks up the controller and starts a new game.

☀️

**From: doyoungie hyungie** **🐰**

[11:51] We were dismissed early. Have you eaten?

[11:52] Do you want to grab lunch with me?

“I heard the rich people village from the other side of town go wild with Christmas lights and decorations,” Jaehyun remarks over lunch. Doyoung looks up with his eyebrows furrowed from where he’d been busy removing the green peas from his side dish of buttered corn, carrots and peas.

“Where are you going with this?”

“I just think it would be nice to drive by them once the homeowners have finished putting them up.”

Gently putting down his utensils, Doyoung reaches over the table and pulls up Jaehyun’s oversized baby pink knit sweater where it’s been falling off the latter’s shoulder, “That’s still months from now, though?”

“Yeah, so?” Jaehyun questions in apprehension.

The pause Doyoung takes feels like a whole eternity. The older boy looks around: the overhead bright lights of the restaurant, the waiters zooming pass them just trying to get through the lunchtime rush, the metal straw that he brings with him everywhere he goes, before his eyes flit back to Jaehyun to ask his own question, “Do you believe we’ll still be together by then?”

Jaehyun’s heart sinks to his stomach but he smiles through it. He’s used to putting up fronts when he knows there’s a slight probability of him getting hurt. “I don’t see any reason why we wouldn’t be.”

Doyoung regards him for another eternity before a gummy smile breaks out and takes over his face, “Okay, yeah, why not?” voice going softer as he adds, “But you also have to watch the first snowfall of the year with me, too. Deal?”

Feeling like a truckload of anxiety has been lifted off his shoulders, Jaehyun takes Doyoung’s hands with his own and caresses the knuckles softly, “Deal.”

They part ways after the meal, Doyoung heading to the library to finish a paper and Jaehyun back to his place to wait for his shift at the pet adoption agency. He spends the rest of that time mulling over their conversation, the present, and the future.

He discovers that he really wants Doyoung to be in his future.

⚡

Knocking frantically on his best friend's door at 10 PM in just his pyjamas, Jaehyun shouts through the door, “Sicheng, open up! Holy shit, I think I’m in love with him. I’m in love with Doyoung.”

“About fucking time,” Sicheng says as he opens up for him, but when he sees Jaehyun's frazzled state, he claims with softer eyes, "Come here."

With his best friend’s arms around him in a hug that feels a lot like coming home, Jaehyun cries over Doyoung for the very first time since they met.

☀️

Ten months in and they don't fuck as much as they used to in the earlier days but that fact doesn't bother Jaehyun more than it should considering their arrangement and the lines they have drawn. Because Doyoung has been staying over more frequently, sometimes even without sex, asking to meet him outside the four walls of their safe haven, going on brunches and afternoon movie dates, hanging out with each other's friend groups.

Everything feels nice.

Good things don't last long for Jaehyun, though. Despite enjoying every second he spends with Doyoung, he's still constantly at the edge of his seat, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The shoe does drop, one summer day.

Sea, salt and sand. That's what Jaehyun remembers vividly from that day. They are at a beachfront near their university, the rest of their friends scattered about. Doyoung and Jaehyun are in their own world, sitting on the white sand side by side with their heads touching as they looked down on Doyoung's phone. Was it a meme, a lame tiktok, a cute puppy video compilation? He doesn't care so long as he has Doyoung with him.

It was in the middle of Doyoung laughing, gummy smile and eyes crinkled, that they hear someone call from behind them, a voice so familiar and haunting, "Is that you, Doie?"

Doyoung whips his head around so fast, Jaehyun is sure he hears a crick or a snap. Or maybe that's just the sound of his own heart breaking because there, in all his gorgeous silver-haired glory, stands one bashful Lee Taeyong.

"I've been meaning to talk to you, tried reaching out months back. Guess you changed your number," the boy before them says, one hand on his neck, a clear indication of embarrassment and uncertainty.

Something in Doyoung's eyes harden and Jaehyun is so glad he isn't on the receiving end of his wrath, "I didn't change my number. I just didn't reply because I didn't want to."

This makes Taeyong straighten his back, equally as stubborn as Doyoung, apparently. "Doie, please don't be like this-"

"Don't fucking call me that!" Doyoung is now standing up, not bothering to brush off the sand still clinging to his legs and board shorts.

Jaehyun wants to run away but not without bringing Doyoung with him. He doesn't think he has it in him to part from Doyoung under any circumstances, confrontations with ex-boyfriends be damned.

The audacity of Taeyong to move closer, arm up as if he wants to _touch_ Doyoung is what gives Jaehyun the courage to finally step in front of _his boyfriend_ and look Taeyong square in the face, "Doyoungie clearly doesn't want to speak with you. Take the hint and walk away."

Watching the mighty Taeyong, someone whose reputation upholds him and puts him on a pedestal, wilter away as if he has been scorched, it should have given Jaehyun a sense of victory, right? But when he looks back at Doyoung, face pale and shivering despite the heat of the sun, he feels even more like drowning.

"Doyoung-ah? Is that what you really want?" Taeyong attempts one last time.

This makes Doyoung snap out of whatever state he is in, glancing briefly at Taeyong before staring back at Jaehyun's soul. The nod is barely there but Jaehyun sees it and he doesn't have to wait a second more before Doyoung reaches out to Jaehyun's left hand, lacing them. The answer Taeyong needs.

"Let's go, Jaehyunnie."

They walk away from the past together.

Later that afternoon, once the sun has set yet again, like it does every day for the past ten months they have been together, Jaehyun hugs a crying Doyoung to sleep. Naked, body still sweating from several rounds of sex, and just inexplicably beautiful.

That was the last time Doyoung has ever cried over Lee Taeyong in front of Jaehyun.

☀️

"What are your plans after graduation?" Doyoung asks as the leaves outside fade to orange, falling to the ground and majestically littering the neighborhood. The anniversary of the first night they met just around the corner.

It's a little bit past four in the afternoon and Doyoung is washing Jaehyun's hair after much convincing and begging on the younger's part. The sound of the turntable playing one of Jaehyun's LPs and the calm scratching of Doyoung's nails on his scalp surrounds Jaehyun with a soft blanket of satisfaction.

Eyes closed, Jaehyun answers, "Find a job here in the city. Although taking a year off to travel sounds enticing."

Doyoung hums in response. He rinses off the shampoo suds from Jaehyun's hair before speaking again, "Then, where do you see yourself a year from now?"

Before their most recent Taeyong encounter, Jaehyun would have never said, “Still beside you, hopefully. If you'd allow me.” But he does say it now, all barriers down.

He can feel Doyoung still above him but Jaehyun doesn’t regret saying it. He will never regret anything when it comes to Doyoung.

🌙

On the eve of the first anniversary marking the night of their first hookup, Doyoung sleeps over at Jaehyun's place. They don't talk about it. They don't acknowledge it.

But it's all Jaehyun could think about the whole evening: while he attempted to re-enact his mom's kimchi fried rice recipe for Doyoung, while they read books on opposite corners of the couch with their legs tangled in between, while they took a shower together and rubbed each other's backs clean with a loofa.

Meeting and approaching Doyoung that night a year ago is all Jaehyun could think about, especially while they made love (at least for him it is).

“I love you, Doyoungie,” Jaehyun whispers into the darkness, Doyoung fast asleep on what has become his unofficial side of Jaehyun's bed.

“I can love you enough for the both of us.”

Jaehyun kisses Doyoung on the forehead and breathes in his scent deeply, before he runs away to the balcony, chest heavy.

He cries in silence.

Come daybreak, Jaehyun is going to be okay again.

⚡

Something's different. But whether it's a good or bad kind of different, Jaehyun hasn't decided yet.

His shift ended half an hour ago and he's outside the center, waiting for Doyoung to pick him up so they can go early Christmas shopping together. He's just about to shoot the boy another text to ask if he's on his way when his phone blasts EXO's Tempo, a ringtone reserved only for his best friend. He picks up before the bed squeaking sounds of the chorus could begin, "Yes, Chengie?"

"Hey, so. Where are you?"

"Outside the agency, why?" It's cold and he's not wearing enough layers to combat it with.

"Weren't you supposed to meet up with Doyoung after work?"

"I'm just waiting for him to come pick me up." If he ever answers his damn phone. The change in seasons is making Jaehyun extra irritable.

"Oh, Jae." It's never good news when Sicheng shortens his name.

"What is it?" He's pacing now, the puppies by the window following him out of familiarity. If he runs a hand through his brunette locks one more time, he's sure to go bald soon.

"Then why is he here at the café with his ex?"

Call it an overreaction but as Jaehyun halts in his tracks, it also feels like the world has tilted on its axis. In his twenty one years on earth, he has never once felt what it's like to have his heart ripped out of his chest.

This, though, feels close.

They do end up going shopping that day, Doyoung arriving twenty minutes after Jaehyun hung up on Sicheng's rants of how he's going to kill the older boy. 

For the rest of their time at the mall and the nearby night market, Jaehyun makes an attempt to act like everything is okay, answering Doyoung's questions about how his day had been, if this semester's workload is manageable, if his friend Johnny has finally found the balls to ask his other friend Taeil out.

And as they fall on tangled sheets, Doyoung on top of him, ass sucking his cock in, looking as gorgeous as their first night together, Jaehyun loses another part of his being to the man he's fallen in love with.

He squeezes Doyoung's ass cheeks, knowing how much the other loves it when he does that and flips them over. He places both of Doyoung's legs on top of his shoulder, almost bending him in half and thrusts in and out at a rough pace. Each slap of his pelvis to the older boy's bottom stinging, borderline painful.

They haven't fucked this hard in weeks.

"Oh my God, Jaehyun. Fuck, there. Right fucking there," Doyoung is but a mess of skin and bones underneath him, hands grabbing fistfuls of the cotton blanket.

Jaehyun sees red, his normal calm outlook on life gone as he pictures Doyoung laughing and smiling with the person who broke him. He lets go of one leg so he can move close enough to kiss Doyoung, "Does it feel good? Do I make you feel good?" he grabs Doyoung's cheeks with one hand and squeezes, "Look at me."

Eyes open albeit hazy with pleasure, Doyoung shouts back, tears starting to fall, "Yes! Yes! Always, Jaehyun," followed by more clawing at his back. He's sure it's going to look rabid in the next few days.

Jaehyun makes sure he's looking at Doyoung in the eye as he claims, "Good, because no one is going to fuck your tight ass the way I do. Do you hear me?"

"Yes, Jae. Only you. Fuck."

A few more thrusts and Doyoung clenches hard on his dick, making them cum at the same time.

It doesn't make Jaehyun feel any better.

🌙

Running away has never been his reaction to dealing with problems, yet, here he is. Avoiding Doyoung's calls, leaving messages on delivered, flaking on premade plans. For a while, he thought this is for the best and that he can get away with it.

What he's trying to achieve with his behavior is still a mystery. Lessen what he feels for the older, maybe? Get over the fact that he met up with his perfect ex and didn't bother telling Jaehyun about it? Stop the stupid storm of butterflies in his stomach from acting up everytime he so much as thought of Doyoung?

But Jaehyun has never been a thorough planner. He forgot to take into consideration one very important detail: the person he's running away from is a very insistent person, someone who gets things done. Someone won't take no for an answer.

So it really should not have been a surprise when, after a week of semi-ghosting, Doyoung is ringing his buzzer and asking to be let in. No questions asked.

The door isn't even fully open when Doyoung all but kicks it hard, the knob hitting Jaehyun in the abdomen, "Move. I'm making us fettuccini for dinner."

If that isn't enough to convince Jaehyun to allow the boy in, then the stink-eye really did it. With a heavy sigh, he moves away from the threshold and holds the door open for Doyoung.

He watched him work like a well-oiled machine in the kitchen, a sight he doesn't know he's missed in the past week until it's happening again before his very eyes. Doyoung doesn't ask him questions, just scoops him a serving once he's done cooking and pushes the plate towards a mostly embarrassed Jaehyun.

"Eat," the stern boy orders through a forkful of pasta.

It was Jaehyun who wanted space, but now that Doyoung is sitting in front of him, acting like nothing is wrong, them not addressing the elephant in the room is driving him up the wall. "Hyungie, I am really not that hungry-"

Doyoung drops his fork unceremoniously, metal on porcelain causing a clattering sound. He sighs tiredly, "Do you want me to throw away all my hardwork? Do you really want to waste food?"

In the year that they have been together, or whatever it is that they are, Doyoung has never addressed or spoken to him using this tone. It makes Jaehyun flinch and back down a little, "No, I just… I'm sorry."

Doyoung looks at him, gaze unwavering, that annoyingly endearing head tilt, "What are you sorry for this time?"

Jaehyun stares right back, "Just. Everything."

The sigh that comes from Doyoung is deep. Tired and defeated, "Whatever." He stands up and moves to sit on Jaehyun's lap, cupping Jaehyun's peach-flushed cheeks using both hands and squishes, tone more playful this time, "The next time you decide to ghost me, I'm going to burn down your place with you inside it. Don't try me."

"Yes, sir," it comes out all mushed out. Doyoung rewards him with a smile and leaves a peck on his still pouting lips before moving back to the space he left a while ago.

"So, what do you think of the fettuccine?"

🌙

If someone had told the Jaehyun from a year ago that he'd be spending a friday night sobbing his heart out due to a certain level of emptiness and anxiety of not knowing where you stand with someone you have unconsciously fallen in love with, he would have scoffed at them and then walked away.

But that's exactly what the Jaehyun of today is doing. He's tired.

He's so, so tired of loving.

"Jaehyunnie? Are you crying?"

Wait, no. That can't be right. He wasn't expecting anyone today. He most certainly wasn't expecting to see Doyoung standing by his half open bedroom door and see him like this. In the blink of an eye, Doyoung has both wiry arms wrapped around him to comfort but instead of making him feel better, it just makes him sob a lot harder.

What Jaehyun hates more than anything in this world, even more than unrequited love, is being on the receiving end of someone's pity. But it's already causing him sleepless nights and gloomy mornings. Jaehyun thinks he deserves answers, "Hyung, what are we?"

The hands rubbing at his back halts and Jaehyun knows whatever Doyoung's answer is, he isn't going to like it,

"We're… We are together."

It's not enough anymore. It should have never been enough from the start. "Will I ever have all of you, though?"

There's a split-second moment's hesitation and if Jaehyun didn't know Doyoung like the back of his hand, he would have missed it completely. But he does know the boy inside out. Jaehyun knows him well enough that when the older says, "You already do, Jaehyun," he knows Doyoung doesn't mean it.

"Hyung," he detaches himself from the embrace to face Doyoung properly, "It's so hard. I just want to love you. I love you, hyungie."

Doyoung's eyes widen in what appears to be slight panic, but he manages to arrange his features again so it masks whatever he's actually feeling. Jaehyun despises it when he does that.

"Oh, baby," Doyoung's eyes are glassy now,

"Jaehyunnie, I'm not worth your tears."

They both know Doyoung doesn't say it back. He doesn't say _I love you_ back.

❄

Like clockwork, the moment the calendar hits the first of December, everything and everyone is suddenly all about the holiday spirit. Families are confidently wearing ugly matching sweaters in public. The Starbucks menu is suddenly overrun by all things cinnamon. Pop-up bazaars can be found in every corner, where you can buy things at a ridiculously low price. And of course, the competitive rich people from the rich people side of town are back with their grandiose displays of dancing lights and reindeer figurines up their rooftops.

Jaehyun remembers Doyoung saying yes to him when he asked if they could drive by the rows of display months back, a faint memory by now. He isn't expecting Doyoung to remember it, to fulfill his promise, but he still hopes.

There's been a slight shift in their dynamics after the confrontation. Jaehyun had anticipated for Doyoung to give him the cold shoulder. Or ghost him for a bit, much similar to the way Jaehyun did all those weeks ago. Or worse: call off their whole arrangement.

What he gets instead is the exact opposite.

Doyoung seems to be… more. More in every possible way. Waiting outside his part-time job with an iced americano, picking him up from class and dropping him off at his place, treating him to fancy dinners and bowling games, they even tried archery once. He has also been more affectionate with his good morning texts, excessive use of pet names, hugs and kisses and hand holding in public.

But the most surprising one of them all,

**From: doyoungie hyungie** **🐰**

[09:23] Jaehyunnie~

[09:23] I borrowed Yuta's car tonight. Do you wanna go see the Christmas lights over at the rich people village?

Doyoung drives them with one hand on the steering wheel and the other clasping his left hand tightly and Jaehyun can finally breathe a little freely.

"These people are so obnoxious. I'm scared for their electricity bills," Doyoung rolls his eyes but there's a twinkle in them too that tells Jaehyun he's enjoying this, even just a bit.

"Good thing you're not the one paying for it, then," this feels safe, the bickering.

After two rounds around the neighborhood, they drive back to their part of the city. They find themselves at a secluded coffee shop, dainty and homely, talking about everything.

A comfortable silence ensues and Doyoung once again surprises him, "Baby, do you remember when you asked me to go look at the rich people lights display? Do you remember what I asked in return?"

"Watch the first snowfall of the year together?"

"Yes, that. Are you still up for it?"

As if there's any version of reality where Jaehyun says no.

"Of course, hyung."

❄

**From: doyoungie hyungie** **🐰**

[18:12] Jaehyunnie! They said it's going to snow tonight. Meet me at the park after your class, by the pavilion?

[18:13] Don't forget to bundle up! We don't want the baby getting sick~

[18:13] It's you. You're the baby 😋

[18:14] My baby hehe

If there's anything Jaehyun has learned in all this, it's that hope can be a very dangerous thing to hold onto.

❄

All bundled up in a long corduroy full-length coat, and layers upon layers of shirts, sweaters and scarves, Jaehyun trudges through the negative degrees and makes his way to their meeting place. He's already running late due to the rush hour traffic, but he still takes his time. It's okay, he thinks. Doyoung is still going to be there anyway and he's always going to be there, Jaehyun now has confidence in saying this.

He follows the curve of the path, hands shoved deep inside his pockets, seeing the pavilion a couple of meters away. Jaehyun pauses and takes his time to commit to memory the scene before him.

There, bathed in the moonlight, nose red due to the cold, every exhale coming out in puffs, stands Kim Doyoung.

Feeling someone staring, Doyoung looks around, and stops when he sees Jaehyun. The older raises a hand in greeting. It's crazy, really, how such a small and mundane thing can trigger something Jaehyun has tried so hard to hide these last few weeks. But in this moment, as he sidles up next to Doyoung, he doesn't know if he can continue hiding anymore.

They don't speak for a while, contented in people-watching together. And when the snow starts to fall, light and enchanting, Jaehyun blurts out, "Doyoungie, I have something to tell you."

Nose even redder than when the night began, Doyoung shoots him a glance, "I have something to tell you, too. But you go first."

He's already said it once but that does not make this any easier, "Doyoung, I love you. I'm in love with you. You don't have to feel the same way now, but I’m hoping someday you can.” Jaehyun keeps his eyes trained on the falling snow, hands shaking from the cold and something more.

Maybe he’d been too naive to think everything would fall into place once he bares his hopes, his dreams, his soul out. He thought he has learned so much from being lonely, the pre-Doyoung years. Of not having to have someone to lean onto, not having someone to get lost in the moment with.

But maybe Jaehyun hasn’t learnt enough. Because the moment he looks back at Doyoung, he knows he got too lost in the thrill of it all.

"Jaehyun."

The finality in Doyoung's tone and voice scares him like nothing Jaehyun has ever experienced before.

"Let's break up."

From the very beginning, Jaehyun knew what he was getting himself into. Doyoung has told him, with full disclosure, the rules of the game. He wasn’t meant to get hurt. No one was. But Jaehyun lost the game. And it always hurts when you lose, whether you want it to or not.

He walks away, not even bothering to ask the older boy why.

What for?

⛈

Jaehyun has never had anyone stay for a long time. He's gotten way too good at goodbyes.

But this. This feels more than a goodbye.

This feels like losing all of himself to someone who has never wanted even a portion of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you!!  
> feel free to scream at me:  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/donsjae)  
> [twt](https://mobile.twitter.com/donsjae)
> 
> comments and kudos are vv much appreciated ♡


	2. sunburn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loving Taeyong had been something inevitable, something that was bound to happen at some point, one way or another.
> 
> But Jaehyun– he came like a thief in the night. Slow, silent, steady. And now, Doyoung doesn't think he will ever learn to love anyone else after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unbeta-d.
> 
> chapter title from:  
> [sunburn](https://youtu.be/VMq5R79Nx28) by ed sheeran

_Doyoung_

"Have a nice life, Doyoung."

There's not the usual endearment, no cute vowel combination tacked on at the end. Nothing. And when he chances one last look in Jaehyun's eyes, he sees that nothingness reflect back to him.

And maybe Doyoung has gotten so used to being on the receiving end of heartbreak that the very second he causes it, says the words that he knows will inevitably destroy someone who Doyoung knows looks at him like no one has ever done before, the pain still bounces back and makes a home in Doyoung's heart.

Or maybe it's because Jaehyun has always been something else, something different, something he isn't used to dealing with since the start of whatever they had. Someone who he has never desired to hurt.

Yet, here they are.

The moment Jaehyun turns a hundred and eighty degrees, back towards him, Doyoung feels it. The cold. The dread. The emptiness. Much like coming home to an abandoned house, no warmth, no light, no one waiting at the door. No Jaehyun.

It's not home without Jaehyun in it, Doyoung realizes.

But it's too late now to take everything back. Because aside from the pain and guilt of hurting someone you care about, there's something else there.

Frustration.

How can Jaehyun let it all go just like that? How dare he not hear Doyoung out? How is it so easy for him to allow Doyoung to break them apart without so much as a fight? Is Doyoung really not worth listening to? Is whatever they shared not worth fighting for?

He's paralyzed in motion as the white from the sky rains down upon the bustling city.

Into nightfall.

⚡

For most of Doyoung's life, he has always been the one to do more. May it be within the family, in school and extracurricular activities, with friendships or relationships, it's been that way for as long as he could grasp the concept of giving and receiving. To give more, to exert more effort than is necessary, to make more time.

A very good example of this would be Lee Taeyong.

They were so good as friends, compatible in all aspects. Taeyong kept him on his toes, gave him a challenge in every way possible since the moment they were introduced to each other. This continued even when they made their way from acquaintances to friends to something else.

Even then, it's like Doyoung has never really known who the real Taeyong is. Six years of his life, he has stood beside the older boy. So maybe it's a bit his fault for putting him on a pedestal. For thinking the older boy can do nothing wrong.

Maybe Taeyong got tired of having to act perfect around him just so Doyoung would keep giving whatever he has left, leaving none for himself.

A year before Taeyong broke up with him, Doyoung had somehow already known deep in his gut that their relationship had developed an expiration date. If it’s not in the way Taeyong continued to treat him more like a friend, a little less like a lover, then it’s surely in Taeyong's answer to one of Doyoung’s questions three years into their relationship-

“Hey, love?” Doyoung asks out loud.

It had been a weekend, unmemorable for the most part save for this moment.

“What is it, Doie?” The nickname still causes butterflies to flutter around inside Doyoung’s stomach.

The prompting makes him pause for a bit, unsure of himself and where he stands with Taeyong. That should have been a clear indication as any that something isn’t right with their relationship (who hesitates asking their partner about their future together if you’re a hundred percent certain they are as sure of you as you are of them?)

“What are your plans after you graduate?” Doyoung wants to ask a brigade more than that but he settles on what is already said for now.

Taeyong doesn't bat an eyelash, doesn't blink as he says, "You know I've been looking at the internships they offered back in LA. So over there, probably?"

Something inside Doyoung crashes.

"Oh, so where do you see yourself a year from now?" He waits with bated breath for the answer.

An answer that comes too quickly, almost as if the older boy had already thought about it prior to this conversation, "Pursuing music? Housing with musicians? I don't know. The possibilities are endless."

Something in Doyoung burns.

Taeyong has thought about it and is sure of his future, alright.

A future that doesn't have Doyoung anywhere in sight.

🌙

The end arrives sooner than Doyoung would have wanted it to. If he has any say in it, he would have never wanted for it to arrive _at all._ Alas.

The unresolved arguments pile up and the distance between them grows. And it doesn't stop growing even when Doyoung tries to salvage what he can with words, with sweet gestures, with sex. Taeyong just doesn't look at him the same way.

Or maybe he has never looked at Doyoung that way to begin with.

It's on a fall night that Doyoung makes one last attempt.

"Hey, I'm sorry about this morning," Doyoung tentatively wraps his arms around Taeyong from behind the couch, where the boy is sitting with his undivided attention on his phone, unmoving. What is Doyoung even apologizing for? What do they keep fighting about? Why can't they fucking stop?

"It's whatever, Doie," Taeyong exhales in a nonchalance that resembles that of a stranger's. Like they haven't been together for four years, shared blankets and dreams with each other.

Doyoung braces himself and proposes, a pained smile on his face, "Do you want to go out tonight? The two of us can go out clubbing and drinking, just like the old times, yeah?"

The other remains silent so Doyoung places his last chip on the table, "You can dress up and look beautiful. Everyone's attention will be on you, Yongie. They're all going to love you."

The way Taeyong's eyes light up at the prospect of that and not at the idea of spending time with him is the last red flag that Doyoung remembers, the rest of the night a blur.

He doesn't remember much of the conversation that led to the fight that eventually led to the breakup in that dark alleyway.

What Doyoung remembers, what lingers in the hours that follow, is the numbness.

Just like that, Doyoung’s four-year relationship with his first love, down the drain.

⚡

The next few days pass by in a haze, like watching someone else control and move his body from afar, disconnected from everything. He allows whatever it is to take over because Doyoung has all but forgotten how to function like a human being.

After finding himself homeless, having kicked himself out of the shared apartment with his ex, he's been crashing on Ten’s couch. Ten, the only person who has warned him time and time again that Taeyong is going to break his heart one day while everyone else told him he and Taeyong were the picture-perfect couple.

_"He's like me, Doyoung, and people like us? We like the attention. Attention we can't give back, not in the way you want and deserve. He is never going to return what you so willingly give him."_

It sounded rude back then, he'd even threatened to cut Ten off from his life over that comment, but looking back on it now, Doyoung thinks he really should have listened.

"Stand up. Three days is enough to mourn. Tonight, we are looking extra glittery and we are going to drink enough alcohol to last us the rest of this term," Ten booms from above him, hovering over Doyoung's ear, loud and clear.

His best friend doesn't let him speak, just drags a reluctant Doyoung to the bathroom, the shower already running.

That evening, with the water from the showerhead continuously running down his face instead of the tears he thinks he should be shedding, Doyoung accepts his fate.

🌙

Doyoung knows that he has always been the one to love more. It's just his thing. A fact you can claim the same way you say the earth is round. And that's never been a problem or an issue before.

That is until he crosses paths with someone that makes him question everything he has ever known and believed about himself.

Doyoung meets him that evening.

Too beautiful for his own good, a pleasant kind of innocent.

"I'm so sorry for bumping into you! Can I buy you a drink?"

Raising one eyebrow at those words, Doyoung laughs to himself. That would have sounded absolutely greasy had it come from someone else’s mouth but for some reason, Doyoung is convinced the stranger at least deserves a little bit of his attention. Perhaps the dimpled boy isn't as innocent as he appears to be.

Apparently sensing Doyoung’s hesitation, the boy hastily adds, "Consider it as my apology."

And Doyoung is so tired of not feeling anything, not even hurt over the heartbreak. So he does something he has never done before, something he used to look down upon. With a firm grip and all hesitations flying out the window, he all but drags the boy out of the dance floor into a more secluded part of the club, a space so familiar to him, albeit with a different person.

Turning a corner, a fleeting memory of dark doe eyes flits through his mind before he pushes it away and pushes the stranger towards the wall. With the help of liquid courage, Doyoung kisses him hard and rough.

He feels the wandering hands the second the boy snaps out of his surprise, taking over the kiss. The soft pair of lips drag downward and nips at his jaw and brushes past a sensitive part of his neck, making Doyoung shiver. He feels the thigh positioned just below his groin and with reckless abandon, with the want and need to forget, Doyoung grinds down hard. He almost calls out _his_ name.

"Do you have a name?" Doyoung wants to memorize something, to focus on something else so he won't accidentally slip.

"Jaehyun. Jung Jaehyun."

A pretty name for a pretty boy, Doyoung thinks.

"Kim Doyoung."

"I know."

Doyoung finds that he doesn't even care what Jaehyun means with that. He just wants to stop talking, stop thinking and start forgetting.

He doesn't know it yet but that is the first of many to come in their shared future that Doyoung takes a piece of Jung Jaehyun.

They make their way to the other's place, agreeing that it's nearer and more convenient. Doyoung teases throughout the car ride, just because he's good at that. He also enjoys the way Jaehyun looks at him, pupils dilated in lust and want. Doyoung has never felt this wanted before. Not even with-

"We're here."

Doyoung gets off before his mind starts wandering down dangerous paths again. He follows Jaehyun into a quaint lobby, inside a modest elevator and without thought, his lips are on Jaehyun's once more. Doyoung pulls him impossibly close, bordering on inappropriate for a public space. He urges the boy to cage him in, dragging Jaehyun's hands to his sides, and when Jaehyun squeezes his ass, Doyoung lets out a broken moan.

In the unfamiliar bedroom, Doyoung gives Jaehyun the show of his life. He knows he's attractive enough, with his broad shoulders and tiny waist. But the way Jaehyun hasn't stopped looking at him like he wants to eat him up since they made eye contact back at the club, is what boosts his confidence to go further. Doyoung wants Jaehyun to devour him whole.

Once all his clothing is shed on the floor, he crawls up the bed, making his way to someone who can only be rightfully described as the gods' favorite. Jaehyun isn't built like a fire truck but his arms are definitely toned, stomach defined and skin clear and pale. His whole body deserves to be put up on a billboard on a prime spot by the busiest highway in the city, where everyone can admire and see.

Primal desire pools deep in his gut and he pretty much wants everything Jaehyun has to offer.

"You can touch, if you want," he hears Jaehyun breathe out, not missing the twinkle in his eye that says he wants it too.

Though Doyoung wants more than to touch. "Don't mind if I do."

The minutes following that are but a mess of Doyoung's tongue and hands wandering around undiscovered territory. It's so different from the body he's so used to seeing beneath him for years. This one is a lot more muscular, the moles and freckles located in different spots now. He takes Jaehyun's dick whole, gives him head like he has never done to anyone before, not even _him_ , wanting to please and be praised. The little whines and deep groans coming from the other boy brings Doyoung satisfaction knowing that he is the cause of all that, he isn't repulsive, he can please someone enough to warrant that kind of reaction.

"Stop, I don't want to cum before I even have my dick up your ass."

Before his most recent relationship, Doyoung has only ever been with two other guys: Kun, the exchange student he met the summer before a temperamental friendship with _him_ bloomed; and Jungwoo, a one night stand from when Doyoung had been feeling so conflicted over his feelings for _him_ (the same night he also realized that they are, indeed, unplatonic feelings after all).

But no one, not even _he_ who Doyoung has spent six years of his life with, had given Doyoung the option to bottom. No one had asked if they could give. They all merely wanted to take.

It makes Doyoung reel back a bit, unsure of what to do now that he actually has a choice, a say in the matter. Jaehyun is just full of surprises. The hunger he feels inside of him at having been presented with an option to choose awakes something in him.

For the first time in a long, long while, Doyoung chooses for himself.

"Fuck me, Jung Jaehyun."

This is the second time Doyoung takes something from Jaehyun.

It's not like he hasn't had anything up his ass, he's no virgin to it. But having someone aim so hard to pleasure him with every thrust, not forgetting to compliment him, it drives Doyoung crazy with lust. It's also the first real cock he's taken and when Jaehyun hits his prostate spot-on, Doyoung wonders why he has robbed himself of this for the longest time.

He comes with such intensity that he has never experienced before. Doyoung's mind is clear, and his heart, for the first time in 72 hours, starts beating again.

That realization clears the haze and jolts him awake. The whole time Jaehyun had been inside him, he hadn't once thought of Taeyong.

Doyoung composes himself and accepts Jaehyun's offer to call him a ride home. He paints a smile on his face and manages to wave back but as soon as he turns around and the car starts running, he feels a dam break.

Doyoung cries for his lost love all the way back to Ten's place.

☀️

"Where were you last night? I was so worried, Dons," Ten scolds him at the dining room table. They have this superpower of being able to wake up for breakfast even after a whole night of drinking.

"I was with someone."

"I swear to God, Dons, if you were with Taeyong-"

"It's not him," Doyoung snaps.

Ten arched an eyebrow, "Oh?"

Doyoung should feel ashamed for what he did, using someone like that to make himself feel something other than self-loathing. But this has been the first time in years, probably ever, that he has done something that is not for someone else. It's oddly satisfying.

"I don't want to talk about it," he grumbles before going back to the soggy cereal in front of him.

Ten who is usually never one to mind his own business surprisingly drops the topic.

☀️

There have been debates about the number of weeks or months that's socially acceptable to see or hang out with someone new after a breakup.

Doyoung thinks it's all bullshit. He doesn't think it's possible for anyone to come after Taeyong and what they had. He doesn't think he's capable of opening up to anyone else again, his heart just won't accept it.

But when he meets Jaehyun by chance a couple of days after their first night, when he smiles at Doyoung shyly and still looks at him like Jaehyun wants to worship him if just given the chance, Doyoung thinks he will have to go back on his word. Because much like the first time, as Jaehyun lets Doyoung fuck his mouth and even while he gives Jaehyun a handjob, his recent heartbreak has not once crossed his mind.

So when the boy asks for his number after they fool around in the café's restroom, Doyoung gives in. And when they discover they are classmates in the dull Creative Writing elective the very next day, Doyoung asks, "Why haven’t you texted me yet? You asked for my number, why aren’t you doing something about it?"

Because, God, does he want a repeat of the effect Jaehyun has on him. If it means forgetting the heartache and numbing it further, Doyoung is allowed to be a little selfish, right?

⚡

Doyoung learns that life does indeed go on after a breakup.

The bad days are spent sobbing over Taeyong, their lost love, little things triggering it. Like that lone pineapple-printed sock he unpacks while he sorts through his things at his newfound place, the one he bought for Taeyong which the other didn't really use (the pair is probably left behind in Doyoung's haste to leave their old apartment). Or when he's watching a 90s movie on the couch, wanting to share a comment, looking over to his left side only to realize Taeyong isn't there, won't be there anymore. Or tasting cinnamon and instantly remembering that Taeyong used to incorporate the spice into every fucking thing he cooks or bakes.

Thankfully, like everything in this world, it is not always bad.

Sunshine, Doyoung also learns, can come not just from the sun itself. It can come in the form of dimpled smiles and lingering touches as they fucked, sometimes rough and hard, sometimes slow and sensual. It can come from strong arms wrapped around him as he cried over someone else, someone different, somehow making him feel safe. It comes from patient nods and offers to stay over so Doyoung doesn't have to mourn his still aching heart by himself. Sunshine can also come from kisses all over his face, his whole body, his lips. It's good. Jaehyun never fails to make him feel good.

The good soon outweighs the bad, Jaehyun having that kind of effect on people, and Doyoung thinks he's maybe, finally, ready to move on.

🌆

A couple of weeks later, Doyoung inevitably regresses.

He hasn't seen Taeyong since picking his things up and moving out of a place he used to call home for four years. Seeing his ex boyfriend looking like this, looking so unaffected as he casually strikes a conversation with him early in the morning, it makes Doyoung want to throw a fit. The universe is unfair and it only smiles down upon its favorites, one of them being Lee Taeyong.

He wants to act out, to punch the older in the face, but just as he's about to, Doyoung feels a warm hand grab his shaking fist, coaxing it to unclench before interlacing them together. He looks down and zeroes in on Jaehyun's porcelain skin. The effect is immediate, calming him down which no one has ever managed to do.

Jaehyun bids Taeyong goodbye and guides Doyoung towards the breakfast place they were originally on their way to.

Doyoung can't find it in him to say anything while they consumed their breakfast at a quarter to six in the morning. Not because seeing Taeyong has left him speechless, but because he's stunned from the hold Jaehyun has on him so early in the game.

He reasons that it's because of all the intimacy they've been sharing lately. But the fear of it possibly being something more makes him not contact Jaehyun for two days.

⚡

Using the key Ten gave him after emphasizing that it's to be used for emergencies only, he makes his way inside the boy's apartment at the crackass of dawn. It must've been the adrenaline and all the screaming in his head that made Doyoung ignore the moans coming from his best friend's room.

"Ten, I need to talk to you- Oh my God! I'm so sorry!" He scrambles to close the door behind him and scurries back to the living room. They should really consider creating boundaries within their friendship. Pacing back and forth in between the dilapidated couch and the coffee table, Doyoung waits for his friend to wrap things up in the bedroom.

"Kim Dongyoung, you better have a damn good reason for cockblocking me like that," Ten makes himself clear. He's only managed to put on an oversized shirt and tight boxers, but Doyoung will take it.

He clears his throat before sitting down on the couch, "I saw him two days ago, Ten. I saw Taeyong."

As expected, Ten instantly moves into overprotective mode. "What did he do? Just say the word, Dons, I'm going to decapitate a man this morning."

Hearing Ten say that, Doyoung lets out a laugh. "No, no. It's fine, Ten. Nothing really happened. I was with Jaehyun when I saw him."

Ten plops down beside him and regards him with an indecipherable look, "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

"I don't know." And Doyoung really doesn't know. He doesn't know what he feels or what he is supposed to do.

"Is being with Jaehyun making things easier, Dons?"

Of course it does. Jaehyun's company is the only thing making him sane these days. But Doyoung isn't ready for that conversation, because saying it out loud will then make it feel real. He decides to deflect, "He's a good friend, so, yes."

Ten sighs and raises both legs up the coffee table, "You don't fuck your friends, Doyoung. You're too, I don't know, sophisticated for things like that or whatever."

Doyoung blushes, "It's not like that, Tennie."

It's silent after that. Doyoung vaguely wonders if Ten's current hookup is still awake or if he has fallen asleep on Ten's bed. He feels Ten scooch closer to lean his head against Doyoung's shoulder.

"Do you like him? Do you like Jaehyun?"

The instant reflex is to say no. But the word is caught in Doyoung's throat and he knows if he says 'no' now, he will not be meaning it. Not after the incident with Taeyong, where Jaehyun had been able to calm Doyoung's furiously beating heart down with a simple touch. In the end, Doyoung decides not to say anything at all but that, apparently, is enough of an answer for his friend.

Ten hums before following up with another question, "Have you told him about Taeyong?"

Doyoung didn't think he had to. "No."

"Maybe you should."

🌙

**To: Jaehyun**

[02:17] Hi, Jaehyun.

[02:17] Are you still awake?

**From: Jaehyun**

[02:20] yup

[02:20] what's up?

**To: Jaehyun**

[02:22] Nothing much. But uhm.

[02:22] Can I come over?

**From: Jaehyun**

[02:23] you didn't have to ask :)

They fuck on Jaehyun's couch and once they both finish and are able to get it up again, they move to his bed for another round. Then Doyoung tells Jaehyun about his past. He's expecting for some questions to be asked, but what he gets are a confession and an apology instead.

"I was there, you know."

It seems like Doyoung is now the one with so many questions to ask. "You were what?"

"That night, in the alleyway. When he broke up with you. I'm sorry, Doyoungie."

Doyoung's first instinct is to move away and increase the space between them as much as possible because he just can't think clearly with Jaehyun drawing patterns on his back. But the moment their bodies stopped touching, Doyoung finds it even harder to think. In that split-second of realization, Doyoung also makes a decision.

He decides that none of it matters. This is something he can overlook. He might even be thankful Jaehyun witnessed that so he doesn't have to explain anything further.

Doyoung is so grateful when Jaehyun says, "Let's get breakfast first, I'm starving."

They drop it, just like that.

⚡

They say pain is not the opposite of love, but rather a life without love is. Doyoung is a firm believer of this. The pain is a mere aftermath of choosing to love someone and having them not choose you back.

Doyoung just wishes he has learned to live his life without any of this.

⚡

"Why are you on my couch, cockblocking me, yet again? Don't you have a boyfriend? Why aren't you over at his place?" Ten bristles from his spot by the living room window, focus on the canvass perched on top of the easel in front of him.

Doyoung has spent the past half hour watching netflix documentaries on his phone. Pretty sure he isn't even bothering Ten at all. Doyoung pauses the episode of _Our Planet_ that has just started. "Are you expecting anyone tonight?"

Ten shrugs, "Who knows. I'll have you know I'm quite in demand."

Doyoung snorts, "I don't doubt it."

There is no reply after that so Doyoung thinks it's safe to assume that that's the end of it and that he won't be kicked out anytime soon. He's just about to hit play on his phone again when he sees Ten put down his brush out of the corner of his eye. Doyoung steels himself for some real talk.

"You still haven't answered my other question though," Ten begins again.

"Which one?"

The smaller boy raises a brow challengingly, "Where's your boyfriend?"

Why is this taking Doyoung by surprise? Ten has always been the nosy one. "There is no answer to that because I do not have a boyfriend, Tennie" he rolls his eyes for good measure. And in a moment of complete vulnerability, Doyoung adds, "Besides, I'm not over Taeyong yet."

Ten is silent as he regards Doyoung with the same indiscernible look he has been giving him every single time Doyoung talks about Jaehyun to him. Breaking eye contact, Ten gets up and moves towards the kitchen behind him. With one last look over at Doyoung's general direction, he asks the most important question,

"But does Jaehyun know that?"

⚡

In first grade, Doyoung develops a crush on his homeroom teacher. When his mom asked him how he knew he had a crush on Teacher Choi, Doyoung had answered with, "He has a pretty smile and he listens to me when I talk about my cartoons!"

Jaehyun has a pretty smile and he listens to everything Doyoung has to say.

But things are different now. Six-year-old Doyoung has never gotten his heart and trust broken by everyone he pours his love to, twenty-two-year-old Doyoung has. First grade Doyoung has not yet experienced being left hanging by someone he was so hopelessly in love with, present-day Doyoung has.

There are more things to consider now. It's just not that easy anymore.

🌙

Weeks after his talk with Ten, that's weeks of overthinking, stewing and leaving no stone unturned, Doyoung decides to be honest with himself and with Jaehyun. "I'm still not over him, just so you know," because he really isn't. Taeyong is not someone you merely get over in a blink of an eye.

But when Jaehyun answers him with a simple and unsure, "Okay," Doyoung feels something in him break. Because of course. Someone as amazing as Jaehyun wouldn't care about these things, wouldn't care about him outside of their bedroom arrangement. After all, Doyoung knows he's the type of person who others will only enjoy on a superficial level. Doyoung isn't that special.

He grits out, "I'm just saying. So we're on the same page." This makes him laugh internally because is he even on the same page with himself?

"We're friends with benefits? Is that what you want us to be?"

Doyoung doesn't know what he wants anymore. All he knows is he likes the way Jaehyun numbs all the pain. Call him selfish. "We're exclusive. I'm just not over my ex, is all. Is that okay with you, Jaehyunnie?"

He prays to whoever will listen, to any supreme being overlooking the whole universe, for Jaehyun to say no. For Jaehyun to say that he wants more than that. Doyoung is not usually one to keep taking, is not used to receiving, does not understand how he's worthy of reciprocation, but when Jaehyun gives him a, "Yes, hyung," Doyoung is still relieved.

He's in too deep and he doesn't know how the both of them are going to get out of this unscathed.

🌙

Getting to know someone is one of Doyoung's favorite things to do. That is why he is always putting himself out there to meet new people and make more friends.

And there is always so much to know about Jung Jaehyun.

Jaehyun is but a simple boy. When he's happy, it shows in his face, his smile, his scrunched eyes, the whiskers on his cheeks. When he isn't in the best mood, he keeps to himself and sulks a little, but never to the point that it sours the atmosphere and affects those around him. Jaehyun is diligent, responsible, and a people-pleaser in his own silent way, very much owning attributes of someone you would want to introduce to your parents proudly.

But out of the things Doyoung has learned about Jaehyun, what he has come to like best is the younger boy's inclination and love for music. Jaehyun hasn't explicitly expressed it but Doyoung sees it in the way he perks up every time they pass by someone midnight busking on the sidewalk. Or how Jaehyun's turntable is always playing when Doyoung comes over. It shows in the way Jaehyun hums songs to himself as he does school work in the seat opposite of him, or in Doyoung's ear, chest vibrating, after several rounds of passionate sex.

Doyoung fervently hopes to hear Jaehyun sing for him, one day. He also hopes that he will never be robbed of chances and time to know everything that there is to know about Jaehyun.

It happens about half a year into their arrangement, as they pass a tub of vanilla ice cream and a bottle of vodka back and forth, no separate bowls or glasses since they already share saliva on an almost daily basis anyway. Fuck basic sanitation etiquette.

An episode of _How I Met Your Mother_ has just begun when Doyoung hears it. It's low and there is almost a silent delicateness to it, much like everything Jaehyun does. The boy is humming along to the show's opening song under his breath. Tonight, Doyoung decides, he wants to hear all of it.

"Jaehyunnie," Doyoung starts, “Will you sing for me?"

Catching his eye, Jaehyun merely nods and opens his [ mouth](https://youtu.be/WLGZspoyXvc).

Is it possible to fall in love with a voice?

By the second verse, Jaehyun has his arms wrapped around Doyoung, the episode still playing in the background. Doyoung’s cold heart cracks the tiniest bit as he hears Jaehyun whisper the lyrics to his ear, soft lips grazing the lobe with every word.

Maybe Jaehyun’s voice isn’t the only thing Doyoung falls in love with that night.

Waking up in cold sweat, Doyoung realizes Taeyong has never sung for him so intimately, despite having a penchant for music.

No one has ever sung for him the way Jaehyun had earlier. 

🌙

It’s a Friday night and Doyoung hasn’t answered any of Jaehyun’s texts asking where he is and if he would like to come over. He isn’t in any state to see the boy, not after crying for hours on end, eyes barely managing to stay open because of how puffy they have become. Sometimes, in split-seconds mostly, the thought that maybe he has stopped crying over Taeyong and started crying over another person has crossed Doyoung’s mind.

It’s absolutely terrifying, the idea of opening his heart again to someone else. Someone who might actually, possibly reciprocate the amount of time and emotion Doyoung is willing to give out.

🌙

**From: Unknown**

[00:32] doie? hi.

[00:32] this is taeyong

Doyoung has been reading and re-reading the same two messages a couple dozen times in the past hour. He reads it once more for good measure, the clock inching closer to two in the morning. Making up his mind, he grabs his phone, opens another conversation to shoot a text.

**To: Jaehyunnie ✨**

[01:45] Are you busy? Can I come over?

[01:45] Please.

The response is almost immediate, as if Jaehyun has been expecting it already.

**From: Jaehyunnie ✨**

[01:45] you know my door is always open for you.

Dressed in a thin shirt and beat-up sweats, Doyoung knocks on an entirely too familiar door. He doesn’t have to wait long because it opens almost as soon as he lifts his knuckles after one beat. Impatient hands make a grab for him and then there are furious lips on his, fingers inching towards his ass cheeks, pulling their bodies ever closer if that’s possible. Doyoung moans without abandon, Jaehyun’s tongue exploring his mouth. He loves it. He loves every fucking thing Jaehyun does to him.

Jaehyun pushes him against the wall, abandoning his lips in exchange for the column of his neck. In such a short amount of time, the younger managed to discover the things that make Doyoung tick _._ Often using it to his advantage as he leaves Doyoung breathless.

“Jaehyun,” Doyoung whines.

“What do you want me to do, baby?” Jaehyun’s voice is extra low and that, plus the use of the pet name, makes something pool in his lower abdomen. Deciding he doesn’t want any teasing to happen tonight, Doyoung disentangles himself from Jaehyun’s hold, just enough to bite his lower lip in the way he knows will drive the other crazy. “Fuck me.”

“Okay.”

Like he weighs nothing, Jaehyun lifts him up, wrapping both of his legs around the boy’s waist. He walks them to his bedroom where he unceremoniously drops Doyoung on the mattress, not wasting a second more to take off his shirt, pants and boxers. From the study table at the corner of the room, Jaehyun grabs the lube and looks over at Doyoung for a second. Seeing the other item on his hand, Doyoung rolls his eyes, “I fucked you raw the other day. I know you’ve been wanting to do the same.” They have been tiptoeing around the idea for weeks now, after telling each other that they got tested and are clean. It's just Jaehyun who took the leap. The boy is too trusting at times.

From the foot of the bed, Jaehyun raises Doyoung’s leg and peppers light kisses trailing up from his ankles to his pale thighs. “Well, that was me, and this is you. I didn’t want to assume anything. I still wanted to ask.” Doyoung's chest tightens.

Not wanting the other to notice the tears prickling the corners of his eyes, Doyoung cups Jaehyun's face and kisses frantically, tongue and teeth colliding. “Shut up, just fucking open me up already.”

With expert fingers, Jaehyun inserts one finger. Then two. And at three fingers, Doyoung couldn’t take it anymore, “I’m ready. Fuck, Jae. Please.”

They moan in unison when Jaehyun bottoms out. They have done this a hundred times already but it still feels something new every single time. As if reading his mind, Jaehyun sets a slow pace, really dragging his throbbing cock through Doyoung's warm walls, absolutely nothing between them anymore.

It doesn't take long for them to reach their highs, Doyoung first, followed closely by Jaehyun.

They stay like that for what could have been hours, panting in unison, chest on bare chest. When he feels the younger move to pull out, Doyoung only hugs him tighter. "Where do you think you're going?"

Jaehyun chuckles, "I'm just gonna clean you up. I don't want you to wake up later with dried cum on your stomach. That shit's uncomfortable."

Why won't Doyoung's heart stop beating so fast? "You want me to stay over?"

Lifting his head up, Jaehyun looks incredulous as he claims, "As if I'm gonna let you go back to your place this late. It's dangerous." Ever the gentleman. He's about to retort back with a smartass comment when Jaehyun adds in a whisper so quiet and low that he almost misses it.

"Besides, I sleep better with you beside me."

They both don't really have anything to say after that.

Doyoung knows he doesn’t deserve an ounce of the boy’s attention yet he also can't tell himself to stop wanting.

And God, does Doyoung _want._

☀️

Making future and long-term plans is something Doyoung only now has realized was something he never did with Taeyong.

So when Jaehyun asks him if he wants to watch the infamous Christmas lights display over at the other side of time with him, which is still a couple of months from the present, Doyoung is dumbfounded. His brain has stopped functioning enough for the words “Do you believe we’ll still be together by then?" to slip out of his mouth.

Jaehyun takes it in stride, “I don’t see any reason why we wouldn’t be.”

It's really fucking nice, knowing someone you hold dear wants you in their future. It makes one cave into one illusion after another. "But you also have to watch the first snowfall of the year with me, too. Deal?"

A dimpled smile and a carefree laugh, "Deal."

But why can't Doyoung shake off the voice in his head, the one whose volume is increasing by the second, reminding him of how undeserving he is of all this?

⚡

"Do you have plans with your boyfriend tonight?" Ten asks out of the blue.

Not bothering to look up from his laptop screen where he's been procrastinating his midterm paper the past three days, Doyoung answers unconsciously, "Yeah, we're going to his friend's house. He's picking me up after my 7 PM class."

A second too late, Doyoung realizes his mistake. But even before he can correct himself, Ten beats him to it, complete with his all-knowing gaze. "Too late, don't bother." The boy pokes his tongue out.

Doyoung really wants to knock the self-satisfied smirk off his best friend's face.

"Shut up."

⚡

Hanging out with each other's friends was never really part of the plan. Doyoung was not expecting to be introduced to Jaehyun's friends at all. But with the amount of time they have been spending together, however, it all just sort of fell into place.

The first time Doyoung introduces Jaehyun to Ten, it's sort of an accident. The boy is just supposed to drop him off for his Saturday plans with his best friend. Doyoung leans in for a quick kiss but Jaehyun apparently has other plans. The next thing he knows, Ten is clearing his throat and is opening his mouth to invite Jaehyun to brunch.

Jaehyun hasn't missed a single Saturday after that.

When Doyoung meets Jaehyun's friends, it's around the 7th month mark and they have been spending an awful lot of time together to the point that Doyoung knows Jaehyun hasn't seen his friends in weeks. They are in Doyoung's cramped room, making out by the doorway even after he has reminded Jaehyun twice that he's going to be late. The boy merely shrugs before pulling him in for another kiss again.

A couple more minutes pass before Doyoung finally puts his foot down. With spit-slicked lips, he declares, "Your friends miss you. You should go now."

He hears Jaehyun murmur something indiscernible.

"What? I didn't quite catch that," Doyoung asks.

Sighing, Jaehyun replies. "Nothing."

Before he can react, Jaehyun wraps both arms around him and breathes Doyoung in, "Why don't you come with me?"

He doesn't know what possesses him to say yes.

Half an hour and a lot of kisses later, Doyoung finds himself in the downtown pizzeria with a beaming Jaehyun beside him, an arm around his waist the whole time.

Truthfully, it had been awkward at first because Jaehyun forgot to text them beforehand that he's bringing company but a couple of beers in and one bad joke from Johnny that Doyoung laughs at later, they warm up to him.

And that's how Doyoung got himself a regular invite every Friday night with Jaehyun and his group of friends. Seeing Jaehyun so into his element, comfortable and free, Doyoung thinks he could get used to this.

Tonight, they are at Johnny's apartment for another mini gathering.

Seeing as how the majority of Jaehyun's friends are seniors, they have all learned to avoid the big clubs and the crazy frat parties. They often hung out in someone's place, ordering in and binge-drinking copious amounts of alcohol.

Jaehyun, who is admittedly a sweetheart to everyone and everywhere except in the bedroom, is as expected, surrounded by people who are equally as soft as he is.

One of them being one Dong Sicheng. Admittedly, Doyoung hasn't gotten around to getting to know the boy, even though he's Jaehyun's best friend since they were in diapers. There's just something about the younger's calculating eyes that unnerves Doyoung to no end. But right now Doyoung is going to try. He wants to try for Jaehyun.

An hour into the evening's gathering, he finds an opening when Jaehyun is busy trying to beat Johnny's younger cousin, Donghyuck, in Mario Kart. Crossing the living room, he sidles up next to the boy. "Hi, Sicheng." Smooth opening. So far, so good.

"Oh, hey." Sicheng raises an eyebrow, very similar to how Doyoung's own best friend does it. Again, unnerving. The younger looks on, expecting Doyoung to continue or to say something else, at least. He feels like an animal backed to a corner by the king of the jungle. He's about to come up with an excuse to end what he started when he catches Jaehyun's eye. All it takes is the dimples to make an appearance, joining the already hopeful expression on Jaehyun's handsome face from across the room for Doyoung to blurt out, "I just feel like I haven't really introduced myself to you. And you're special to Jaehyun who is special to me. So." He cringes internally afterwards.

Sicheng is quiet beside him, his stare boring holes on Doyoung's temple. In a very Sicheng-like manner, even though Doyoung knows close to nothing about him, he asks, "And just how special is he to you, Doyoung-ssi?"

This is a challenge, Doyoung acknowledges that. But if there's one thing people should know about him, it's that he doesn't back down from anything. Confidently, he answers but a single word, "Very."

It seems like Sicheng isn't one to get intimidated easily as well because without missing a beat, he says, "Jaehyun isn't as strong as he thinks he is."

"He isn't fragile either," Doyoung snaps back defensively.

"I didn't say he was."

The conversation is stressing Doyoung out to a boiling point. He tries to get a word in, but before he could, Sicheng beats him to it, "Jaehyun deserves someone who is as sure of him as he is of them. He deserves the best."

"I know that."

"Do you, really?"

He opens his mouth to argue back. But what is there to say? It's clear that whatever he retorts with will be turned down by Sicheng. He knows Sicheng is the kind of person to do this because he has been in Sicheng's shoes for the longest time. Something clicks in Doyoung's mind.

In his peripheral vision, he can see Johnny pull the classic _yawn, stretch, put an arm around the other_ move on a completely oblivious Taeil. Beside the pair, Doyoung can see Jaehyun is still observing him and Sicheng.

And so even though he is very much the confrontational type, Doyoung backs down for now. If Sicheng won't believe his words, then he is going to have to prove him wrong through his actions.

On their way to Jaehyun's place, opting to walk back instead of riding with the others, Jaehyun finally asks him the question Doyoung knows the younger has been itching to all night. "So… What were you and Sicheng talking about earlier?" Subtlety has never been Jaehyun's strongest suit. It's something Doyoung actually admires of him.

Deciding that he doesn't want to put Jaehyun on the spot, Doyoung settles on a vague truth. "You."

Jaehyun smiles at that. "He's nice, isn't he? He may not seem like it but he's actually really chaotic. The best friend one could ever ask for."

Sicheng's words earlier echo in his ears; the underlying warning. If there's anything Doyoung is grateful for from their encounter, it's that he's at least sure that someone genuinely cares for Jaehyun's wellbeing. Someone who could pick up the pieces if something were to happen to them because if there is anything life has taught Doyoung, it's that nothing good ever lasts for him.

In lieu of answering, Doyoung merely grabs Jaehyun's free hand. They stay like that the whole way home.

☀️

The universe has a knack for catching Doyoung off guard, of making him doubt things that he's almost sure of.

There with the ocean breeze billowing around them, Doyoung is once more forced to face the embodiment of his heartbreak. Just when he's starting to think he's gonna live the rest of his days without crossing paths with the other ever again. Life just enjoys mocking his peace and solitude. It’s all too cruel, really.

“Is that you, Doie?” A voice successfully pops the little bubble he and Jaehyun are in. A voice he knows too well but wishes he doesn’t. And as much as he also doesn’t want to admit it, a voice that still holds too much control over him. Is it the familiarity? Is it because he has once considered it his past, present and his future? He isn’t sure.

"I've been meaning to talk to you, tried reaching out months back. Guess you changed your number." Typical Taeyong, still too caught up in his own genius head to read the room. So, what are the chances of the world ending in the next five seconds?

The whole scenario plays out in Doyoung’s head like a film reel, from a third person’s point of view.

Ten months after their breakup, and he still has not blocked Taeyong anywhere, he just chooses not to reply. Doyoung tells his ex boyfriend this. He still hates it when Taeyong calls him “Doie”, so he expresses his disdain. His replies and reactions are merely done out of impulse.

It’s only when Jaehyun finally speaks up, to defend Doyoung of all things, that Doyoung makes a conscious decision.

In a split-second, a vague memory of that one early morning, his and Taeyong’s first encounter after their breakup, pops up in his mind. The hands that slipped into his to stand as a pillar of support, to let him know he’s there for him. They have only known each other for a couple of weeks then.

But Doyoung remembers. He remembers how it managed to calm him down instantly. He remembers the fuzzy feeling that consumed him for days afterwards because finally, someone has chosen him. The fuzzy feeling that he mistook for fear, causing him to run away only to be drawn back because he wasn’t made strong enough to resist the younger. The same fuzzy feeling that overwhelms him in that moment, as he looks at Jaehyun in the eye.

So when Taeyong asks him: "Doyoung-ah? Is that what you really want?", Doyoung does what Jaehyun did for him all those months ago.

Hands shaking from the adrenaline rush, he reaches out and with fingers woven and interlaced together, Doyoung chooses Jaehyun.

It’s only much, much later that Doyoung realizes the hurt has been replaced with something else. When he sobs in Jaehyun’s arms after the sun has set, it is not out of pain.

The tears in his eyes are that of relief.

He’s free. Doyoung is finally free.

☀️

"Then, where do you see yourself a year from now?"

The person in front of him is different now, the feelings are too, but the question remains the same.

Doyoung is just starting to realize his masochistic tendencies.

But Jaehyun is not his past. “Still beside you, hopefully. If you'd allow me.”

Smiling to himself, Doyoung lets hope bloom in his chest if just a little.

  
  


🌆

  
  


When he comes to, his body is still sore due to the previous night’s activities, and the red glare from the digital clock perched on top of Jaehyun’s bedside drawer reads 4:13 AM.

It’s officially a year since they met.

Truthfully, Doyoung is not sure if Jaehyun remembers it or if it is even significant enough for him to. The way they met had been a cliche and they were both drunk off their asses, after all. But Doyoung does remember and that fact awakes something in him.

Before he can ponder on that thought more, his eyes which have finally adjusted to the darkness of the room zeroes in on the empty spot beside him. Patting the rumpled white sheets, he knows Jaehyun could not have left his side for more than a couple of minutes because the spot where he lay is still warm. The Doyoung from a year ago would have rolled over and just gone back to sleep but a lot can happen in a year’s time. The Doyoung of present decides to grab the closest piece of clothing his hands can reach (Jaehyun’s oversized hoodie), pulls it over his head, gets up and searches the apartment for his boyfriend.

_Boyfriend._

Funny, because the Doyoung from a year ago would have never thought it could mean someone who isn’t Taeyong.

But the Doyoung of present is now imagining someone else’s face: dimples and smile whiskers on naturally clear skin, brown eyes that look at Doyoung like he painted the night sky with diamonds, soft lips that are significantly fuller on the bottom and a smatter of tiny freckles across his cheeks.

The same face that is looking back at him now, the only light illuminating the room coming from the quarter full moon. His eyes still look at Doyoung like he painted the sky outside, but there is a tinge of something else there now. Something broken.

But before he could ask, Jaehyun is taking long strides to meet him in the middle of the living room, cupping his face tenderly, like he's made of glass, and kisses him with a silent sense of urgency. When Doyoung caresses the boy’s cheeks, it feels damp. He doesn’t get to ask anything that morning because the moment he opens his mouth to speak, Jaehyun’s tongue is licking in and Doyoung forgets about the nagging voice at the back of his head. He also forgets his name.

It has been a year since they met, since their first kiss and Jaehyun is still amazing at doing that, making Doyoung forget.

⚡

He wants to try. He wants to try for real this time. A clean, fresh start.

But why is it so hard? Why is it so difficult to open up fully again?

Why does Doyoung feel like he’s but a ticking time bomb, waiting for the last second to blow up and destroy what could possibly be the only good thing he has going on in his life?

☀️

How can someone in love stay calm?

The answer is you don't.

You don't stay calm, not when you bump into each other in a crowded coffee shop by chance. Not even when he smiles at you like he has never done before when you were still together. Especially not when he asks you if you want to sit down and talk for a bit, catch up and all that.

That's how Doyoungs knows he has absolutely no love left for Lee Taeyong anymore. At least not the kind of love he knows is building inside of him for-

"So how are you doing?" The older boy begins, circling the rim of his coffee mug with a dainty finger. It used to be something Doyoung found endearing, something he knows Taeyong does when his mind is preoccupied. Now Doyoung just thinks it's a bit unsanitary.

"I'm really good." Doyoung means it. And because Mama Kim raised no impolite son, not because he actually cares that much for the answer, has long since stopped caring, Doyoung asks, "How about you?"

Taeyong takes a moment to reply to his question. When he does, it's one that should have shaken Doyoung to the core if he did still have any residual feelings left. "Could be better. I miss you."

Doyoung looks up from his lap and smiles softly, "You're going to do great things, Yongie."

That one line, out of all their encounters post their breakup, is the one that gets a message across. Taeyong smiles and nods, "You're happy?"

It's not even really a question. They both know it. But Doyoung still answers anyway.

"I am."

How do you know you are over someone?

It's different for everyone.

For Doyoung, it's when he stops looking for Taeyong in all the little things, and starts seeing someone else in them instead. Like when Taeyong tells him that he's moving to LA in the next month while Doyoung is taking a bite of the banana muffin he ordered, the only thing that is going through his head is how he's sure the dessert is something Jaehyun will enjoy, and that he'll most likely bring the younger here soon.

For Doyoung, it's even when Taeyong asks him if he's enjoying his drink, Doyoung is thinking about how if Jaehyun were there, he would merely grab it to taste it himself, grinning at him with foam on his lips as Doyoung whines about how he doesn't want to exchange saliva with him. The boy will probably shut him up with a kiss.

For Doyoung, he knows he's over his past because even with Taeyong sitting there in front of him, Doyoung has not stopped thinking about Jaehyun.

Looking down on his phone to check the time, Doyoung realizes he lost track of it, panicking a little when he glances down on his phone and sees several missed calls from _Jaehyunnie ♡._ Doyoung clears his throat and subtly tells his ex that he has somewhere else to be.

"Oh, sorry to keep you here," Taeyong apologizes.

"It's fine. I really have to go now, though," Doyoung pushes his chair back, standing up and grabs his bag from the chair beside him. Contemplating for a split-second, he decides to say out loud what he has been feeling for probably a couple of months now.

"Thank you. For everything." Because he is. Taeyong is his first love and nothing can change that. If anything, Doyoung is grateful for the memories they shared and every single day they spent together. And because he's still the cheeky boy Taeyong has met and befriended in high school, he says with a wink, "I'll be sure to download your songs in the future and make Jaehyunnie listen to them with me."

Turning on his heel, Doyoung rushes off to his next destination, where a boy with peach-flushed cheeks is waiting for him.

How can someone in love stay calm?

Doyoung thinks the answer is you can't. It's not possible to.

His heart isn't calm when he sees Jaehyun. It skips a beat. Then it proceeds to skip several beats when they make eye contact and Jaehyun smiles at him, not quite reaching his eyes. But that's something they can talk about later, tomorrow, next week. Because right now, all Doyoung wants to do is to revel at this feeling; his full and utterly contented heart.

Definitely not calm.

⚡

When you know someone chooses to love you in silence because they don't know where you stand, when even though they are hurting because of you, they are still putting your convenience and happiness first, what do you do?

Because Doyoung knows Jaehyun is in love with him and has long crossed the line between casual to something more a long time ago. Maybe even since the first time they saw each other in broad daylight that morning when he spilled coffee on the other’s shirt for everyone to see. He has known this for quite a while now. He knows and he still can't find it in him to confront the other.

Yet, as his texts remain unanswered and his efforts to reach out remain barred, Doyoung can’t help but feel like he can’t breathe.

This is it, the universe has given him an exit. If he just follows the neon sign then he would not have to feel like shit constantly, the guilt eating at his insides raw because Jaehyun is in love with him and Doyoung is still a coward.

🌙

In the end, Doyoung seeks Jaehyun out anyway.

It's been a couple of nights since he cornered the younger and cooked fettuccine for him and he's outside Jaehyun's door again. Without knocking, he lets himself in using the passcode that Jaehyun entrusted him with. He crosses the threshold and makes his way further inside the apartment and the eerie silence of the place stops him from calling out for Jaehyun.

Then he hears it. Gut-wrenching sobs coming from the direction of Jaehyun's room. Panicking slightly, thoughts of the other being sick or in pain makes Doyoung rush towards the familiar bedroom. The sight that greets him is something that he never thought he would ever encounter. Not in this lifetime.

Jaehyun, ever smiling and ever resilient, who sees the good in every bad situation, who always manages to find a way to make everyone around him comfortable and happy, that Jaehyun is sitting on the floor with his back leaning against the foot of his bed, face buried in his hands, his whole body shaking uncontrollably.

"Jaehyunnie? Are you crying?" Doyoung wants to scold himself for asking such a stupid question.

Without thinking twice, Doyoung crosses the room and engulfs Jaehyun in his arms. The sobs halt for a moment before coming back in full force. 

After a couple of minutes, Doyoung feels Jaehyun shake his arms off, pulling back from the hug to look him in the eye as he asks,

“Hyung, what are we?”

There it is, the dreaded question.

Dreaded because Doyoung does not know the answer to that himself. Not that he hasn’t bothered to find out after hours of conversation with Ten, his brother, and even the old lady who sells hard candy around the corner by his apartment. Conversations which prove to be fruitless because it all ends with a variety of the same answer: “You should figure that out by yourself.” Why do they think he asked them in the first place?

Now, still with nothing figured out, Doyoung is left to face his biggest fear head on. God, is this what it feels like to go to war with no weapon at all? He stumbles through his words, “We’re… We are together.”

"I just want to love you. I love you, hyungie."

A minute passes, and then two. The silence is deafening.

Probably realizing that he is not going to get a reply, Jaehyun's face crumples in anguish, and Doyoung is sure it's going to haunt him for the rest of his life.

Doyoung who has always been on the receiving end of pain, now the catalyst of someone else’s.

Considering that this is something that has never happened to him before, Doyoung is at a loss for what to do. He can only wrap his arms around Jaehyun’s crying figure again, helplessly praying to anyone who is listening to give them answers before they reach the point of no return.

❄

There is something life changing about seeing someone you care about cry over you. The taste it leaves on Doyoung’s tongue is bitter. He never wants to see Jaehyun like that ever again, if he can help it.

And so, like a switch has been flipped, in the next few days that follow, he finds himself slowly feeling like the old Doyoung. The one who does more of, well, everything.

At first he thinks it’s to make himself feel better, to get rid of the guilt. But when he sees the way Jaehyun eyes crinkle in delight, the tips of his ears burning red everytime Doyoung holds his hand in broad daylight or calls him _baby_ , or when he treks across campus to deliver Jaehyun coffee before the boy’s 8 AM class even though his own classes aren’t until the afternoon and the younger rewards him with soft, sleepy kisses, Doyoung’s stomach is always swarmed with butterflies. It should not count as only getting rid of the guilt if he actually enjoys what he’s doing, right?

Like that morning, for example.

“You really didn’t have to, Doyoungie,” Jaehyun murmurs between kisses, hands buried deep in Doyoung's jacket pocket, subtly holding onto his waist.

"I wanted to." Doyoung nibbles on Jaehyun's lower lip, earning him a quiet moan. He chuckles at that, pecking Jaehyun once more before pulling away completely, not wanting to attract too much attention because of their PDA.

Opening his eyes, he can see Jaehyun looking a little glazed over. The butterflies flutter wildly.

A few more kisses later, Doyoung is walking back to his place with a skip in his step. There's something different in the crisp early morning air. He swears he can smell cinnamon and hot chocolate. It's not until he's outside his apartment complex that he realizes just what's so different about today.

It's December 1st.

Which means-

**To: Yuta hyung**

[07:55] Hey, so.

[07:55] Remember how I introduced you to Jungwoo?

[07:56] I want to cash in on that favor.

**From: Yuta** **hyung**

[08:01] must be a pretty big deal if you're cashing in on it now

[08:01] it's been years since woo and i got together

**To: Yuta hyung**

[08:03] I wanna borrow your car.

**From: Yuta hyung**

[08:03] ???

"You look good, Dons." Yuta smiles at him.

"Stop hitting on me. You literally have a boyfriend." Doyoung rolls his eyes before adding a little sheepishly, "And… I do, too."

"I'm just saying," Yuta's smile widens, "Happiness is a good color on you."

See, even though he is one hundred percent sure he does not have romantic feelings for Taeyong anymore, that subject is still a little bit touchy. If Ten had been outright disapproving of his relationship with Taeyong, Yuta was more passive-aggressive. He did not explicitly say he did not think Taeyong was good for him but he also never welcomed the boy with open arms. Maybe Doyoung can ask about it some other time. For now, he's in a bit of a rush.

"So, are you lending me your car or what?"

Yuta looks at him for a moment and after finding what he's looking for in Doyoung's eyes, whatever it is, he fishes for his keys in his front pocket and hands them over to Doyoung.

Walking away, he says over his shoulder, "Keep him around. He's good for you. You deserve someone like him."

⚡

_You deserve someone like him. You deserve someone like him. You deserve someone like him. You deserve someone like him._

Does he? Does he deserve Jaehyun who has been nothing but kind and lovely to him, who has loved him even when Doyoung has given him no reason to, who has his heart out on his sleeve, waiting for Doyoung to finally see him? Does he deserve Jaehyun who gives and gives and gives, asking for nothing in return, while Doyoung has been nothing but selfish and just takes and takes and takes?

Does Doyoung really deserve Jaehyun?

❄

He takes Jaehyun to see the Christmas lights, as promised. The lights from the streetlamps outside and the extravagant show of wealth bathes Jaehyun's face in splashes of color from the passenger seat. It's hauntingly beautiful.

Jaehyun is beautiful, has always been beautiful, and Doyoung can't believe it took him this long to realize how undeserving he is of all of this.

They go to a cozy café afterwards and _oh_. How fitting. It's the same one he was in when he ran into Taeyong all those weeks ago. That memory feels like it's from another lifetime.

"Baby, do you remember when you asked me to go look at the rich people lights display? Do you remember what I asked in return?"

"Watch the first snowfall of the year together?"

_Please say no. Please._

"Of course, hyung."

_Why are you so unselfish?_

⚡

Like a ticking time bomb, Doyoung knows his time has run out.

The explosion leaves behind smithereens of memories.

❄

"Doyoungie, I have something to tell you."

His heart falls to his stomach. Doyoung needs more time to be with Jaehyun like this. Before he has to break Jaehyun's heart. Before he has to break his own heart. Before he has to let go.

"Doyoung, I love you. I'm in love with you. You don't have to feel the same way now, but I’m hoping someday you can.”

Hearing him say that, eyes full of hope, makes what Doyoung is about to do all that much harder.

"Let's break up."

⛈

Everything inevitably comes full circle.

Doyoung is alone in bed again for the first time in months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi,
> 
> i know this is 6 months overdue. i also know that this chapter is basically a repeat of what happened in the previous one but in Doyoung's point of view. to be honest, i was at a loss for what to do with this fic. i even considered deleting this. i didn't know if i should pick up where i left off but i really felt the need to shed light on Doyoung's side. hence, this.
> 
> i know it may seem like doyoung is the villain here but i'm hoping you can see where he's coming from. the doyoung in this chapter is a part of me. which is, maybe, why it was so hard to write because it's like baring my heart and soul out. the thing is, i have really low self esteem and often wonder whether i'm worthy of the good things i receive in life. this mentality has caused a strain on several of my relationships already. when someone is so good to me, my immediate reaction is to shut them out and run away. and i have hurt so many people because of this. i know this mindset is not healthy; i am working on it. this doyoung is, too. so please be patient with us.
> 
> this is not the end, there are two more chapters to go. i'll ~try~ not to ghost y'all for 6 months this time. hehe
> 
> as usual, i would love to hear your thoughts and reactions! comments and kudos are appreciated <3
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/donsjae)   
>  [twt](https://mobile.twitter.com/donsjae)


End file.
